The WWF’s Goobledy Gooker, Where Is He Now?


What became of the Goobledy Gooker?


You were probably expecting a more fantastic answer, but he was just Hector Guerrero… and he retired with his family back to Mexico or some shit like that. That’s all.

Goddammit, Reese Trees!


C’mon Reese, we had an understanding. You make your treat in the shape of whatever holiday symbol it happens to be at the time, and we continue to patronize your branding. That’s all.

But you’re kinda ruining it when instead of little trees you’re giving us nuggets of shit. I’m this close to buying the Wal*Mart brand. Whatever the hell they call em. I think they come in big 2 lb tubs for about 5 bones.

Chanukah Song Again

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A day after calling Adam Sandler the least funny person in America he goes and makes another Chanukah song and reinforces that previous statement to a T.

I mean, I mean, this bit was tired two decades ago. And all he ever does is rearrange the words with a few new celebrities that he suddenly finds out are Jews, and he makes a little rhyme about it.

Never has so much been done with so little. Adam Sandler, everybody. Entertaining 10 year old boys for 20+ years.

Behold: The Piecaken


Come on, people! Respect your goddamned bodies around the holiday season, will ya? I’m getting diabetes just looking at the images of two pies stuffed inside a double layer cake.

What is wrong with people?

“Fantastic Four 2” Cancelled?


I didn’t see this movie, you all probably didn’t either. But for some reason a sequel was greenlit before the movie even premiered back in August. And from what I heard, the movie was bad, it did poorly, and it made anybody who saw it feel like shit. So even though everyone and their mother has a super hard-on for most super hero movies right about now, there is a breaking point. And that breaking point is this shitty looking Fantastic Four movie.

The Clown From “Billy Madison” Saves A Couple Women


A Toronto Suburb recently honored Doo Doo the Clown, or as you may know him the clown from the 1995 Adam Sandler film, “Billy Madison.”

So anyway, these two women were walking and Doo Doo was driving by with a couple of his clown acquaintances and noticed a guy walking nearby while getting kinda stalker-ish. So Doo Doo hops out of the car and tells the guy to take a hike, to the delight of the two walking ladies.

There you have it folks, Doo Doo is officially the most successful actor to have appeared in the movie “Billy Madison.”

Yeah, I know that was the long way around to say that Adam Sandler sucks, but he really does. Adam Sandler sucks. That is all.

Truth Behind “Guardians of the Galaxy” Director, James Gunn

SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 20: Actor James Gunn speaks at Marvel's "Guardians Of The Galaxy" panel during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 20, 2013 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/WireImage)

I have no proof to back this up, but I think it’s pretty evident that James Gunn is actually just a really stretchy-faced Edward Norton. Need further proof? Edward Norton used to be in the Marvel Universe and now he’s not. Where’d he go? Who knows?

Ivanka Trump Is Saying and Doing Things. Do You Care?


Ivanka Trump recently told “The Media” that she’s a daughter and not the clone that “The Media” apparently thinks she is. But then again… Donnie does have some radically ideas and a way of thinking that some may say is too far advanced for the average man. I wouldn’t, I’d say that he acts absurd for absurdity’s sake, but some people would. Anyway, maybe we’re coming closer to cracking the proverbial nut that is Donald Trump. Maybe he doesn’t want the immigrants entering the country in order to save room for more Ivankas. Just some food for thought.


Malkovich Talks About Blowies and That One Movie


John Malkovich recently compared the film “Being John Malkovich to getting a bad blowjob. But you know what they say, Johnny: When it comes to pizza and blowjobs, even the bad ones are pretty good. Also, that was one hell of a movie.

Nobody knows why he’s attacking the darling surreal movie at this stage, or if he’s even serious. One guess is that he thought the entire concept of Charlie Kaufman’s film was a bit too gimmicky.

In unrelated news, Malkovich just finished a Robert Rodriguez movie that won’t be released publicly until 100 years from now.

Thanksgiving Football = Extremely Dull


Okay, so the Bears taking out the Packers in the last game of the night, gave the overall experience a little bit of a spark; but overall. What was I watching there? The Lions sitting on the Eagle’s face and the complete and utter destruction of the Dallas Cowboys.

While on the subject the entire NFL is slagging this year. There are about three teams that are any good at all then there are nearly 30 just going through the motions, hoping to luck into a wild card spot at 8-8 or some other terrible record.

Do something NFL, for the love of christ, do something! I think the game’s got a little too passive. More hits, more hits, more hits! Health of the players be damned!

Darth Vader Foiled In Attempted Convenience Store Robbery

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Some people just can’t let the original trilogy go. C’mon people it was a series of middling budget pseudo sci-fi movies from the late seventies and early eighties. Cut the cord already!

It’s Kylo Ren now! Get used to it!!!

Towson University Diving Coach: After Dark


Chances are that if you’re not from the greater Baltimore area, you’ve probably never heard of Towson University. Nor should you have.

The only reason a smaller University like this would ever be mentioned is if the diving coach happened to allegedly film a bunch of the female swimmers with all their clothes off in the locker room.

And that’s exactly what happened in Towson Maryland recently. The only twist: it was a female diving coach. How ’bout that! Eh? Eh? Chew that over for a bit.

The coach was suspended, pending a full investigation.

Manziel Parties Heartily During His Bye Week


Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel allegedly partied his face off during his bye week… Wait… wait, wait,wait. If I’m not mistaken, isn’t every week technically this guy’s bye week? I mean, we’ve all seen his games, right?

Bernie Sanders and Killer Mike in: Road to Washington


Two things:

  1. This is clearly a publicity stunt with the purpose of getting the American public interested in seeing two unlike things together. And look it worked, because I’m talking about it despite having figured out what Bernie’s people are up to.
  2. Bernie laid it on even thicker by picking soul food for their pow wow. We all know he wanted to go to deli. Well you know what, Bern? If you’re serious about becoming president, you can’t simply go to deli any time you want to.

And Andy Serkis Grows More Tiring


This freaking guy. You know he plays a whole bunch of CGI characters because apparently nobody else could figure out how to walk around with fucking dots on his/her face…

Anyway he wants you to send him a bunch of videos of you walking around doing your best ape impression. And maybe* (*see: this is definitely not going to happen) you’ll become an extra in the next Apes movie.

Mr. Serkis, you will not make a monkey out of me, I say! Also, that seems like a lot of work for very little reward. Also, what do you think Andy Serkis is going to do with a bunch of videos of guys walking on all fours and scratching themselves? I don’t think I want to know.

The Best Website You’re Not Looking At

p2 is a website that displays graphs of two unlike things to show how they correlate for no particular reason. Also, it looks like the site is never updated, so the few graphs that are on the site are all that there’s ever going to be.

This folks, is why the internet was invented. End of discussion.

Carson Palmer’s Junk Penalized


That’s obscene Carson!

No… no… it really isn’t. And the fine was a little excessive. Let’s get that straight from the get go.

However, don’t be a bunch of clueless assholes, Cardinal fans. The fine was just over $11,500. So, why the fuck are you (the fans of a football team) raising money to pay the fine for him? Brother can afford it and the NFL has already taken all the money from your poor asses. Wake the fuck up and let this millionaire pay his own $11,000 that he can easily afford!!! Even thought the fine was bs in and of itself… but still!

David Bowie Gives Us Some Blackstar

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And just like that, ladies and gentlemen, weird Bowie (also known as classic Bowie) makes a triumphant return!

Brother’s been slacking since the early days of “Ziggy Stardust,” “Space Oddity,” and I dunno… “Suffragette City?”

Then he had a few light resurgences in the 80’s with “Ashes to Ashes”… hmm… you wanna listen to that real quick? ‘Cause I do.

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Anyway… anyway… where was I? Oh yes, he had some resurgences back in the early 80’s with some experimental music like he had in the mid to late 70’s. And then he got sort of poppy vanilla-y in the mid 80’s… but then he blew us all away with his codpiece wearing hero Jareth the Goblin King in “Labyrinth” which was pretty hard core for a Jim Henson joint.

After that it was a solid number of years in a row where he wasn’t giving us much. Even though he’d show up in a movie or two dressed up as Nikolai Tesla and give us all some of those old fashioned epic vibes that we once associated with Mr. Bowie… and other than that he kinda disappeared… sans an occasional Trent Reznor duet or a cameo on “Extras” where he would sing about how fat and undesirable Ricky Gervais is.

For the most part, though, he was hanging in some ivory tower in the sky apart from all us peasants with his model wife Iman and occasional visits from Mick Jagger and perhaps that toddler, Toby, from Labyrinth all grown up.

So, suffice it to say, I came into his new song Blackstar (and the rest of the album which I haven’t ventured into yet) kind of hoping to hate the thing. And for the first minute or two I did, and all seemed good in the world. Then after the first listen I kind of liked it, and then after the next 10-20 listens it really started to take off.

So anyway, that’s my story. Listen to it yourself… see what you think. I don’t care…

Bryce Harper Can’t Keep Up With “Kids These Days.”

Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper takes a photo of himself with a cell phone tossed to him by fan Jamie Roach, Tuesday, June 2, 2015, at Nationals Park in Washington. Roach noticed Harper gesturing for her picture-taking cell phone before the second game of the Nationals' doubleheader against the Toronto Blue Jays. Roach tossed the phone and Harper made the catch. Then he made Roach's day and then some by snapping a wide-eyed, silly face picture of himself. (Bryce Harper via AP)

And so I must momentarily break my promise never to talk about baseball ever. Because Bryce Harper had to go and call Memes, (you know those internet pictures with the words across them) May-may’s in a recent SportsCenter interview with Scott Van Pelt.

I mean, c’mon, Bryce. You’re on the pulse of what’s cool and hip. Chrissakes, you play for the Washington Nationals in the Major League Baseball, United States baseball league. What are you doing to yourself, man? This is gonna be a hard hole to climb yourself out of.

National Institutes of Health Retires Over 300 Lab Chimps


Now we’re talking. Get some, NIH!

Two years after retiring most of its research chimpanzees, the US National Institutes of Health (NIH) is ceasing its chimp programme altogether, Nature has learned.

In a 16 November e-mail to the agency’s administrators, NIH director Francis Collins announced that the 50 NIH-owned animals that remain available for research will be sent to sanctuaries. The agency will also develop a plan for phasing out NIH support for the remaining chimps that are supported by, but not owned by, the NIH.

“I think this is the natural next step of what has been a very thoughtful five-year process of trying to come to terms with the benefits and risks of trying to perform research with these very special animals,” Collins said in an interview with Nature. “We reached a point where in that five years the need for research has essentially shrunk to zero. “

Although, in the end, I have to stress that I’ve seen this movie play out. They say the chimps get to retire and will no longer be tested upon… but how can one expect an institution like this to send nearly 350 chimps to the tropical island of their choice?

I sense something a bit more sinister at work here.

Run, chimps, run!!! Their not going to let you retire soundly at all. It’s a trap! It’s a traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!

Science is evil, folks. Super villain level evil, if the books I’ve perused on this subject are any sort of indicator. Don’t like it, write your congressman, b/c it’s going to get worse before it gets better.


Jenny McCarthy Continues To Be Outta Her Mind


C’mon, Jenny! First you’re telling everybody to suicide their damn kids with measles and whooping cough and shit. And now you’re worried that you’re going to get the Hiv from kissing Charlie Sheen on the mouth. (No really, that’s what she actually said, no joshing).

I don’t know what to do with you McCarthy… I mean you were a Playboy model, like 20 years ago, shouldn’t you have fallen into obscurity around 18 years ago. Like the Barbie twins or those other two Girls Next Door that aren’t Kendra?

E! Cancels “The Soup” Because…


Wait… what? E!’s still a channel? I thought Joel McHale left “The Soup” for “Community” back in 2009. What kind of shit are they still showing on E!? Anybody?

NFL is Having a Run on QB’s

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First Manning and now Rodgers. A lot of what the old football league has depended upon is going up in smoke fast. Looks like that group of rich assholes might have to think of a plan B, b/c shit hasn’t gotten any more exciting since the concussion debacle, yet the prices just keep going up and up.

And now it looks like at least two 9-7 teams are wrapping up a playoff berth this year. Hang in there, hockey, they’ll come all come back to you soon…

All You “Foodies” Are Doing It Wrong If You’re Not HIGH AS FUCK!!!


A team of European neuroscientists at the University of Bordeaux proved that THC – the primary psychoactive ingredient in marijuana – fits into special receptors in the brain’s olfactory bulb, which allows users to smell and taste food way more intensely while high.

That’s right, if you’re not stoned food and drink are never going to taste as good to you! And that’s a SCIENCE FACT!!!


The NFL Are Dicks To The Colorblind


So here’s the beautiful tableau most NFL viewers got last night, despite the shittiness of both teams going out of their way to try and hand the game over to the other squad.

That was most people; however, for any colorblind NFL fans who happened to tune in last night, the game looked more like this: