Stop Harassing This Teacher For Shit She Says on Twitter. And Give Her a Pay Raise Already.

YouTube Preview Image

Everybody has really got to stop being so horrified. Ms. Hodges, you’re all right in my book.

And notice the only bitch who was so appalled about the entire situation was some overweight beast who was too fat and lazy to get out of her car to talk to the news.

People are too soft these days. Back in my day when a teacher thought I was disrupting the class she would hit me over the head with her purse or a ruler. And then if I really pissed her off, she would run me down with her car. Where was my news exclusive special report?

I Don’t Want to Drown or Catch on Fire. But I Certainly Don’t Want to Die with Another Dude’s Underwear on My Face.

p2

A Kentucky jail inmate is under investigation for murder after he allegedly shared his contraband drug-soaked underwear with a cellmate, who died of a methadone overdose.

Jessamine County jailers said Michael Jones, 55, soaked the underpants in liquid methadone during a temporary funeral leave from the county detention center, and wore them when he returned. He allegedly ripped up the dosed undies and shared them with cellmates, including 33-year-old Corey McQueary.

McQueary alerted jail staff that he felt ill on the evening of Aug. 20, but he didn’t tell them what he had eaten. He died the following morning in the medical isolation area.

Jessamine County Jailer Jon Sallee told News 4 San Antonio that Jones’ method of smuggling in drugs was almost impossible to detect.

Do I even have to say how easily avoidable this could have been? First and foremost listen to former First Lady, Nancy Reagan: “Just Say No: To Methamphetamine Soaked Undertrousers.”

Second: If you must, if you truly must do meth that badly. What you have to do is watch your cellmate do a bunch of his own shorts. Then wait numerous hours to see how the liquid diet has affected him. Then and only then do you put his underwear on your face and go to town.

It’s not rocket science, fellas. It’s prison 101.

Miley is Cracking My Shit Up With This Stuffed Animal Swimsuit

p1

It’s kinda funny because it looks like it is made of the same shit as my toilet seat cover. But then again isn’t the end result the same?

And not that I’m complaining, but I sort of expected a little bit more from a publication called ‘V Magazine.’ I’m sure there were a number of gentlemen mags that would have killed for that title and you’re just wasting it “V.”

No Way is This a Real Fucking Movie. Is It?

p10

 

What the hell is everybody smoking? All the words together are acutal words. I’ve even heard of those two people. But, but, but, what the fuck? And January? I think they might have missed an opportunity to release this in September…

Some Stories I Just Don’t Want to Touch. But This One Involves a 9 Year Old Girl and an Uzi

p9

 

If you haven’t heard about this story, don’t bother looking it up, it’ll just depress you.

But who would have thought that giving a 9-year-old an automatic weapon could end in disaster?

BuffaloGreg is Calling BS on the “Facekini.” And the Hoaxers Should Fell Bad About Themselves

china_facekini2

This bizarre face mask has been dubbed the “facekini.” Though it’s nothing new, it’s now made its way from the beaches of China to the pages of a reputable fashion magazine.

It’s not quite clear how long the “facekini” has been around. The Guardian reported the nylon facemask was first spotted about five years ago on a beach in China, but the mask became more widely known in 2012. Primarily used to protect the face and neck from the harmful rays of the sun, your standard mask can be bought at a swim shops in China for $2 to $4.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no. Not a thing.

This is clearly Subversive Feminist Punk band “Pussy Riot” in an attempt to lay low in China.

They obviously got tired of the communist despotic regime they called home and decided to find asylum in China…

Wait what?

C’mon girls, just talk to Putin. He already said he was sorry. Cool heads are bound to prevail.

BRITAIN LONDON PUSSY RIOT PROTEST

 

 

It’s a sad day in America when I Google Pussy Riot and these are the ONLY images that come up. It’s the internet for godsake!

And in Lighter News: The Dark Side of Sex Swings

I don't know if this is funnier because it says: 'Best Saler' or because the guy is clearly Jean Claude Van Damme

I don’t know if this is funnier because it says: ‘Best Saler’ or because the guy is clearly Jean Claude Van Damme

It turns out that the only worse thing than having upstairs neighbors who tap dance or have a newborn is living in the same apartment as a man with a very squeaky sex swing (and a very active, um, social life).

A German court ruled Friday that a landlady had the right to evict a tenant who broke his rental agreement of keeping quiet between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. by using his “very old,” loud, chain sex swing, the Associated Press reports. Neighbors filed numerous complaints since the swing’s 2012 installation.

The court said that by using the swing late at night, it “would no longer correspond to normal rental use, and must therefore not be tolerated as socially acceptable,” AP reports.

Germany, Germany, Germany. What time is a brother supposed to use a squeaky sex swing? Between the hours of 7am and 9pm? Now you’re just talking crazy talk.

I don’t usually do this, but Germany I’m going to give you a piece of advice, lest the whole country becomes homeless.

Instead of ruling that he should be evicted just give the guy a couple of cans of WD40 and send him on his way. Sometimes the easiest fixes are the least obvious. It’s a good thing I’m here. In Germany.

Epic New York Rotten Meat News

p5

 — State authorities have charged the driver of a truck that lost part of its load of expired meat outside an upstate New York mall, resulting in some irate motorists whose vehicles drove over the stinky spill.

The Post-Star of Glens Falls reports that the Albany man was charged with disposing of refuse on a highway.

Officials say the driver for Albany-based Baker Commodities was in the Queensbury area last month to pick up expired meat and grease from restaurants to take to a rendering plant. A door on the truck wasn’t secured and meat slid out as he drove up a hill in front of Aviation Mall.

Dozens of vehicles drove through the spill and wound up having to be cleaned to remove the rotting remnants.

First off, what the fuck do you have to gain lugging around a shitload of spoiled meat. You know what else works, throwing it in the nearest refuse bin. Then it immediately becomes the sanitation departments problem.

Second, I guarantee that when I turn on the news today, hundreds of local anchors will be making jokes that begin with: “So the politicians said they were going to clean up Albany, well brace yourself folks…”

Yeah that’s how local news works in my part of the world, it’s all puns.

Today in: WTF Shutterstock

p4

Shutterstock: Reinforcing the stereotype that Australians are a bunch of back brush buffoons a good 40 years behind the times. And they all wear those Mick Dundee hats with the crocodile teeth in the brim and drive around in Subarus, spouting out tired catch phrases.

Talk to an Australian, ANY Australian. Odds are he never said the word “Jackaroo” in his/her life.

Then again, it’s kind of funny…

This Kid Isn’t Having Any of His Mother’s Pregnancy Bullshit

YouTube Preview Image

Damn right kid. I don’t know who she thinks she not discussing her family planning strategy with you. Not giving you any say is ridiculous. And you’re giving her all these well thought out arguments off the cuff and dropping $20 words like exasperating.

And all she can say is ‘You’re gonna have to deal with it.’

It certainly sucks being a kid.

A Human Skull Surplus at a Goodwill Store near you?

p3

 

AUSTIN, Texas - Police have asked for the public’s help to locate whoever donated a human skull to an Austin thrift store.

Homicide Detective Derek Israel said Wednesday that foul play was not suspected in the person’s death. He says he just wants to know how the skull came to be in an unspecified container left at the store.

Goodwill staff discovered the skull while sifting through donations on July 16. A spokeswoman says it could have been gifted up to a week prior to its discovery.

Israel says the skull is from an adult. No other details about it have been released.

This is at least the fourth skull to be donated to the international nonprofit this summer. Three were donated in July to a Goodwill store in Bellevue, Washington.

And we’re just hearing about it now? If this is the fourth time it’s happened this summer Goodwill corporate should be so used to the ol’ song and dance by now and they should just sweep it all under the rug.

And look at this passive police officer. “Dude, I’m totally not mad, I certainly don’t think this is a murder. But c’mon turn yourself in cause all I want is to know how this whole thing came about.”

Yeah I see through ya Deputy anybody stupid enough to give you information is probably going to receive a caning at your hands just for being horizontal to the whole deal.

Run, human skull donor, run! Onward to Arizona, Utah, and Oregon! Last time I checked these donations were supposed to be anonymous unless the donor specifically requests tax write off paperwork. Just saying.

BuffaloGreg Calls Bullshit on this So Called, “All Woman Town.”

p2

Notva do Cordiero is supposedly a town in the southern reaches of Brazil. What’s the catch, no men.

Suddenly we have all these “cutesy” stories about how they’re looking for a selection of handsome single gents.

No Fucking Way is this a thing. Are you trying to tell us that there has been a town in a highly tourist heavy country filled with women and we’re all just hearing about it in 2014. Hogwash I tell ye!

This is some sort of publicity stunt or some shit because they’re missing all the attention they had during the World Cup. And now they’re in that lull until the Olympics come in 2016.

And when you take a photo of a town fulla women, PUT THE HOTTIES UP FRONT!!!!

Why are you advertising yourselves with grandma pink shirt and wait a second… front row at the very left, that’s totally a dude.

Get Well Soon, Jake the Snake

p1

Legendary professional wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts is reportedly in intensive care at a Las Vegas hospital after collapsing on a flight to the city on Wednesday.

An ambulance brought Roberts, 59, from the plane to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with double pneumonia, WrestlingInc.com reported.

The website said Roberts was in a coma for nearly 24 hours.

Diamond Dallas Page said Thursday afternoon that Roberts is no longer in a coma.

Who would of thought that years of abusing his body with the modestly priced crack he could find, would lead to this.

And what are you doing, Las Vegas hospital press person? You can’t even tell us that Jake is recovering, we have to wait and get the news from DDP. Ridiculous!

Katie Couric’s Awesome Explanation to How Diane Sawyer Got All Them Interviews

p4

How strangely amazing is this? :

It’s a battle of the female news anchors in veteran journalist Sheila Weller’s tell-all book, “The News Sorority,” which outlines the fiercely competitive careers of Katie Couric, Diane Sawyer and Christiane Amanpour. Though the book doesn’t hit shelves for a full month, its revelations are prematurely exploding everywhere.

The Daily Beast published some highlights, and perhaps the most shocking is how Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer allegedly fought for exclusive stories:

“When Diane beat Katie on an interview with a 57-year-old woman who’d given birth to twins, Katie mused aloud, according to a person who heard the comment: “I wonder who she blew this time to get it.”

Almost certainly not true. But, you women! How is we supposed to take you seriously as news hounds now?

p5

 

 

The One or Two Times a Year Baseball Gets Interesting

YouTube Preview Image

My infantile humor wins out again.

They were truly worried about his collarbone. Until… Wah, Wah, Waaah!

The Lingerie Football League Hates Each Other

YouTube Preview Image

Check out these gals acting like what they are doing is actually a sport!

But this is true smack talk worthy of the real NFL!

Oooh, they mad.