Why The Fuck Am I Still In Boston This Winter???


So if you have been reading the old Bostondrunks site over the last few years. You know that your boy Muff spends his winters down in Key West. This year however, it seems that winter has snuck up on me and now it’s fucking January and my sexy fat ass is still in Boston. How the fuck did this happen??

I should be hanging out on Duval with Cigar Ricky and Vacation Vinny, we should be dancing with drunk chicks at the naked bar, I should be eating Cuban sandwiches and Cuban women.

Instead I am about to get on a bus to take me to the Red Line. Yea, I fucked up this winter! This is what happens when you lose all your money to a Canadian can’t miss oil stock.

This Damn McDonald’s App Is Gonna Make Me 500 Pounds Of Pure Sexy


Fucking McDonald’s and their app. Seriously, how much free food can you give me? I know one Big Mac is not enough, so you give me buy one get one free coupons via your magical app. Your a sick clown though cause they expire weekly, so I have to go at least 3 or 4 times a week. Do you want me to be 500 pounds? Do you want me to get nervous looks from people who have an empty seat next to them on a plane? Will I ever ride a roller coaster again?

Nope, and it all because you had to make our app so fucking awesome.

And you make me buy 2 items now in your McPick 2! Some one back up the diabetes truck and hoist me inside. Woo woo woo!

I Think I Got Rid Of The Pop Ups!

pop up thing

So Muff did it again! I think I finally defeated my demons. I am like Jake The Snake Roberts without all the dirty sex and gout. I have finally gotten rid of all the pop ups on BostonDrunks! Of course that also means that we have no revenue stream coming in but hey, who needs all that “grow your cock longer” money.

So I guess now that we have fixed the back end of the site for now, maybe we can get back to doing some content once in a while. Hell maybe we can start to hire some writers again. Hell maybe we can even go back to the days when we were pulling down millions of pageviews.

Then again, I’m sure in a week you will just come here and find a “local girl who wants to fuck!”

PS- back in the saddle!

Rick and Morty Are Selling Hamburgers

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Ah, Karl’s Jr. and Hardees, the franchise so nice, they named it twice. (Why the fuck are they two names btw?). They’ve made the greatest decision of all time bringing Rick and Morty in as their spokesmen.

And look at Morty get all bent out of shape as the burgers ooze their business all over his room. Classic Rick and Morty!

But, this begs the question: How did Rick get out of that maximum security prison hevoluntarily went into in the season finale? How is he now back in Morty’s room with a shitload of hybrid man/hamburger creatures? Also, will Morty ever win? Stay tuned…

Eli Manning + Hearing Impaired Technology = Magic


Go home, tele-dictator, you’re drunk. That wasn’t even close to anything resembling a cognitive thought. And if you’re implying that Eli Manning is some kind of Penguin fucker… which he may or may not be, I don’t know… that was neither the time nor the place to air the dirty laundry between the two of you.

Professionalism “closed captioning” person, yeeesh!

Jesus, Sinead! It’s Social Media, Not The Suicide Hotline.


To be clear, I’m not trying to attack the clinically depressed or those having a hard go at it. Depression is the real deal, and people behave irrationally, and even recklessly while depressed and have no way of controlling it.

But when Sinead O’Connor writes a supposed suicide note on social media platforms, you gotta wonder what that’s all about. Depression is a very private dark place, and when one is in that realm, social media tends to be the last place they flock to.

Get help, sister. Your behavior is fucking bringing the rest of us down.

Tesla Motors Want Self-Driving Cars, NOW!!!


Elon Musk has had it with all the shit, already! First he designs the best looking eco-friendly car in existence. Then he gives the formula away to everybody… EVERYBODY… and no one gives a shit.

Now he’s seeing places like Google and whatnot trying to match the formula of his self-driving car. Which isn’t quite self-driving, self-retaining would be more accurate.

Basically he wants them to try and top him b/c he doesn’t want his bootleg model to be the template like most other Tesla cars. Solely because nobody else in the auto-engineering game gives two shits!

So Musk is forced to do it himself, AGAIN!!! And he isn’t going to rest until driving is a memory. Do it up, Elon!

New Bavarian Police Helmet


Everybody involved has to know that this is all as ridiculous as it looks. Yes, it’s a new government issue police helmet to better protect the Bavarian police force, and yes it looks kinda like the lower Empire officers from Star Wars. But c’mon everybody in Bavaria has had to have seen Star Wars too, right? They know what they’ve done, they must’ve just been upset b/c nobody has been talking about Bavaria lately.

USPS Sends 7 Pounds Of Marijuana To Arlington Family


So there’s this story going around the internets that says the USPS ACCIDENTALLY sent an Arlington TX family a seven pound package of weed. And it was discovered early, and a good laugh was had by all.

I’m calling bullshit on this fake story right off the bat b/c I’ve been burned before. And since I can’t find one legitimate news source verifying this story I think I just might be right.

It’s another one of those urban legends, that’s just a little too cute to be real. Whoever made it up tried a little too hard to be clever. Sorry, pass, moving on.

Ice, Coco and Chanel: Who Are These People?


Ice-T and wife Coco recently had a baby (girl I assume), and they named her Chanel. Because that is a thing that is commonly done, apparently.

Jerry Jones: Was Putting Romo Back In Worth It? Yes, He Says.


“Jerry Jones is a genius!” Is something nobody has ever said. Unless they were given a shit-ton of money and told to say it while they danced around topless.

But, c’mon, Jer! You like Romo, you really, really do. He is your favorite person ever! Even though he’s only ever won a single playoff game. So why put him in when his collarbone was still questionable?

Well Jerry recently told a local radio station that it was totally worth it… because they still had a slight look at a playoff spot. Because Jerry doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Even though he claims to really, really, really, really like Romo.

He also thought Johnny Manziel would be the best QB of all time, so there’s some food for thought.

Trump Only Wants “Beautiful” Children Riding His Huey


Trump has a helicopter, everybody. Isn’t that wonderful?

Actually he has a number of helicopters. And also at a recent campaign rally in Florida, he asked for only “beautiful” children to ride in it as guests. Allegedly, I suppose.

So he had nothing to do with the elephant… so far. But this is strange right? An awkward turn of phrase, no?

Donald Trump And An Elephant


Oh, I get it. The elephant is the symbol for the Republican party, and this one says “Trump” on it, and Trump is running for president as a Republican.

Oh and also, this guy has a number of animal cruelty charges against him. Because he’s most likely terrible. He’s also a big Trump supporter, but I guess one thing has nothing to do with the other?

And granted, the Trump campaign has not endorsed the use of this elephant, but they’ve also said nothing to condemn it. So take that as you will.

Buffalo Bills Are The Biggest Clowns In The NFL


Not much to be said about the 30-22 Buffalo Bills loss to the KC Chiefs, except that the Bills don’t really deserve to be called a football team.

They were outplayed, but they really shouldn’t have been. Sammy started out on fire, and then Taylor and everybody else forgot that he existed for the entire second half. Hmmm? Best player, that you overpaid and sacrificed draft picks for… might want to throw the ball in his direction, especially considering that he brings them down all the goddamned time. 6 receptions for 158 yards in the first half… and then one throw to him in the second… that was a mile over his head.

Oh well… season’s over.

The WWF’s Goobledy Gooker, Where Is He Now?


What became of the Goobledy Gooker?


You were probably expecting a more fantastic answer, but he was just Hector Guerrero… and he retired with his family back to Mexico or some shit like that. That’s all.

Goddammit, Reese Trees!


C’mon Reese, we had an understanding. You make your treat in the shape of whatever holiday symbol it happens to be at the time, and we continue to patronize your branding. That’s all.

But you’re kinda ruining it when instead of little trees you’re giving us nuggets of shit. I’m this close to buying the Wal*Mart brand. Whatever the hell they call em. I think they come in big 2 lb tubs for about 5 bones.

Chanukah Song Again

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A day after calling Adam Sandler the least funny person in America he goes and makes another Chanukah song and reinforces that previous statement to a T.

I mean, I mean, this bit was tired two decades ago. And all he ever does is rearrange the words with a few new celebrities that he suddenly finds out are Jews, and he makes a little rhyme about it.

Never has so much been done with so little. Adam Sandler, everybody. Entertaining 10 year old boys for 20+ years.

Behold: The Piecaken


Come on, people! Respect your goddamned bodies around the holiday season, will ya? I’m getting diabetes just looking at the images of two pies stuffed inside a double layer cake.

What is wrong with people?

“Fantastic Four 2” Cancelled?


I didn’t see this movie, you all probably didn’t either. But for some reason a sequel was greenlit before the movie even premiered back in August. And from what I heard, the movie was bad, it did poorly, and it made anybody who saw it feel like shit. So even though everyone and their mother has a super hard-on for most super hero movies right about now, there is a breaking point. And that breaking point is this shitty looking Fantastic Four movie.

The Clown From “Billy Madison” Saves A Couple Women


A Toronto Suburb recently honored Doo Doo the Clown, or as you may know him the clown from the 1995 Adam Sandler film, “Billy Madison.”

So anyway, these two women were walking and Doo Doo was driving by with a couple of his clown acquaintances and noticed a guy walking nearby while getting kinda stalker-ish. So Doo Doo hops out of the car and tells the guy to take a hike, to the delight of the two walking ladies.

There you have it folks, Doo Doo is officially the most successful actor to have appeared in the movie “Billy Madison.”

Yeah, I know that was the long way around to say that Adam Sandler sucks, but he really does. Adam Sandler sucks. That is all.

Truth Behind “Guardians of the Galaxy” Director, James Gunn

SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 20: Actor James Gunn speaks at Marvel's "Guardians Of The Galaxy" panel during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 20, 2013 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/WireImage)

I have no proof to back this up, but I think it’s pretty evident that James Gunn is actually just a really stretchy-faced Edward Norton. Need further proof? Edward Norton used to be in the Marvel Universe and now he’s not. Where’d he go? Who knows?

Ivanka Trump Is Saying and Doing Things. Do You Care?


Ivanka Trump recently told “The Media” that she’s a daughter and not the clone that “The Media” apparently thinks she is. But then again… Donnie does have some radically ideas and a way of thinking that some may say is too far advanced for the average man. I wouldn’t, I’d say that he acts absurd for absurdity’s sake, but some people would. Anyway, maybe we’re coming closer to cracking the proverbial nut that is Donald Trump. Maybe he doesn’t want the immigrants entering the country in order to save room for more Ivankas. Just some food for thought.


Malkovich Talks About Blowies and That One Movie


John Malkovich recently compared the film “Being John Malkovich to getting a bad blowjob. But you know what they say, Johnny: When it comes to pizza and blowjobs, even the bad ones are pretty good. Also, that was one hell of a movie.

Nobody knows why he’s attacking the darling surreal movie at this stage, or if he’s even serious. One guess is that he thought the entire concept of Charlie Kaufman’s film was a bit too gimmicky.

In unrelated news, Malkovich just finished a Robert Rodriguez movie that won’t be released publicly until 100 years from now.

Thanksgiving Football = Extremely Dull


Okay, so the Bears taking out the Packers in the last game of the night, gave the overall experience a little bit of a spark; but overall. What was I watching there? The Lions sitting on the Eagle’s face and the complete and utter destruction of the Dallas Cowboys.

While on the subject the entire NFL is slagging this year. There are about three teams that are any good at all then there are nearly 30 just going through the motions, hoping to luck into a wild card spot at 8-8 or some other terrible record.

Do something NFL, for the love of christ, do something! I think the game’s got a little too passive. More hits, more hits, more hits! Health of the players be damned!

Darth Vader Foiled In Attempted Convenience Store Robbery

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Some people just can’t let the original trilogy go. C’mon people it was a series of middling budget pseudo sci-fi movies from the late seventies and early eighties. Cut the cord already!

It’s Kylo Ren now! Get used to it!!!