Look What You Started, Lorde

 

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You’re so fucking metal, Lorde! So… Fucking… METAL!!!!

Today In: ‘Da’ Fuck Shutterstock

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In Mother Russia bear consoles you, and then we suffer!

 

Bunch of Fans Pissed Because they Kicked the Hot Girl Off of ‘Mythbusters’

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“Cuz of Science, that’ s why we’re mad! That’s it… Science, yeah… super cuz of science…” said the over 32,000 fans in an online petition.

However when I heard the news the first thought in my head was:

“The fuck? Mythbusters is still on TV? What the fuck is this 2005? How many fucking ‘myths’ can there possibly be?”

Gif Creators Apologize for Almost Forgetting to Create this Iggy Azalea/Jennifer Lopez Gif

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The good men and women at Gif.com assure everyone an error of this magnitude will never happen again.

Prostitution Ring Run by a 17-Year-Old Girl on Facebook

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WTSP reports that John Mosher, 21, was arrested after the alleged act of prostitution took place. Cops say Mosher paid $40 and a bottle of alcohol to have sex with a 15-year-old girl. The girl told police she met Mosher at a community pool shed, and when she tried to back out of the deal, he forced her.

The alleged 17-year-old ringleader colluded with another high school student on Facebook to organize meetings like Mosher’s, according to cops. In one of the exchanges, the alleged ringleader wrote:

“Why pimp out old hoes when I have fresh young hoes I can give up for money? As long as I’m getting paid I’m trafficking all these (expletive deleted).”

Word to the wise, 17-year-old madame, don’t spell out your plan on Facebook, and if you do don’t use words like ‘trafficking.’

This is definitely bad news, but I have to give it up to her, when I was in high school I couldn’t even make one of those NCAA March Madness pools happen.

Buffalo Bills Win! (Against a Bottom-Tier NFL Team)

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Yeah, so what if it was against a group of knuckle-draggers who couldn’t manage their way out of a wet grocery sack. The Bills still won and they fuckin’ won HUGE! And that, my friends, is a good drunken night for ol’ BuffaloGreg it is.

BTW, Rex Ryan, one question: Why the fuck are you still here?

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This Kid’s Show Just Turned the Cleavage Up to Eleven!

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So, I’m reading about these blowhard ‘Mom groups’ complaining about this actress showing too much cleavage on kid’s show ‘Once Upon a Time.’

And BuffaloGreg’s like: “Come on you pent up moms, how bad could it be?”

And then I look at some pictures and I’m like “Yeah. Yeah. That’s a lot of titty!”

But that being said: So, the fuck, what? It’s just the crack between the two breasts. It’s not like sweetness here is showing nipples and shit. Do you think your kid’s head is going to fucking explode because they saw a little bit more of her supple body than they are used to?

Come on parents! What the fuck is wrong with you? What exactly are you trying to protect your kids from? The human form?

Besides it’s better for little Johnny to have his first exposure to this on TV than for him to explode ejaculate all over his pants during school when Mrs. Mills accidentally brushes her breasts against his elbow when she’s helping him with his art project!

Texas to Upgrade Moses to Founder of America

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On Friday the Republican-controlled Texas State Board of Education voted along party lines 10-5 to approve the biased and inaccurate textbooks. The vote signals a victory for Christian conservatives in Texas, and a disappointing defeat for historical accuracy and the education of innocent children.

The textbooks were written to align with instructional standards that the Board of Education approved back in 2010 with the explicit intention of forcing social studies teaching to adhere to a conservative Christian agenda. The standards require teachers to emphasize America’s so called “Christian heritage.”

In essence, Christian conservatives in Texas have successfully forced a false historical narrative into public school textbooks that portray Moses as an influence on the Constitution and the Old Testament as the root of democracy.

Credible historians warn the misguided attempt to suggest biblical origins for the Constitution would lead students to believe that “Moses was the first American.

“Moses was not a Founding Father. However, I believe he did influence our Founding Fathers,” says Ken Mercer, R-San Antonio.

Super glad that you cleared up that Moses wasn’t in fact a Founding Father, Ken!

Boy the future world is going to be a straight up bonkers place!