Watch This Guy Scare The Bejesus Outta This Reporter

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Would ya look at her jump! You would think this was her first time doing a field piece. This type of thing must happen all the time for field reporters. I dunno, I guess startled is startled.

BTW, L.A. would be a terrible host for the Olympic Games. And like they need a reason to become even more vapid than they already are.

My money’s on Paris. That sounds nice.

Canseco To Dress In Drag For a Week

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Canseco likes a good publicity stunt. Always has, always will. Probably because “nobody’s been talking about Jose Canseco too much these past many years.”

So Jose is planning to dress as a woman, nonstop, for an entire week, while documenting the happenings for his upcoming web series.

The former athlete and current buffoon, claims he’s doing it in support of Caitlyn Jenner (formally Bruce), but I’m pretty sure Jose has never even heard of Caitlyn or Bruce Jenner. Like I said, man likes a good publicity stunt.

New Hoffa Evidence. Exciting?

Check out Jack's flawless Hoffa portrayal. Remember this?

Check out Jack’s flawless Hoffa portrayal. Remember this?

 

Just like in classic gangster movie style, a dying former Mafia associate told coppers that they were on “the right track” when they searched that New Jersey landfill for former Teamsters leader, Jimmy Hoffa. And then he preceded to die shortly thereafter.

Pretty exciting, no? Answers to history’s mysteries can be quite intriguing. Especially ones like this that have been cloaked in secrecy for so long.

That being said… If you’re already dying, WHY DON’T YOU JUST TELL US WHERE HE IS, ALREADY? HUH? HUH?

I mean really, what do you have to lose at this point, anonymous, former, low-level, mob member?

FINALLY! A Condom You Can Spray On!

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Science has done us a solid, gentlemen!

No longer, after we pick up the third drunkest woman at last call (the drunkest would just be pathetic), must we have to struggle with: remembering where the condom is, opening the condom, putting the condom on, and hoping we managed step 1-3 correctly.

With this new grounding breaking invention, we can spray on a condom first thing in the morning and forget about it. Then, late that night, if we manage to finagle a lady home with us, everything will already be ready, already! Hoooo-Rah!

What Happened To The Bud Light With Clamato In It?

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It was called the Chelada and it was stocked at most local grocery stores. Do you still have these in your area, I really want to know! I must find some, and soon!

There was nothing better than a few summers ago when I was lounging sipping on some drinks consisting of beer mixed with a calm based spicy tomato beverage. Oh, where hath my youth gone!!!

Moms Be Hating On Bugaboo Stroller Ads!

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Come on, stay at home moms! Go out and get a job already!

Complaining about this ad, because the model is too thin, think it won’t help sell strollers cause that’s not how most new moms look.

Well, guess what, trolls! This ad is perfectly effective. I’ve already bought three Bugaboo strollers and the ads was only released a few days ago. In fact I’m probably gonna buy one or two more tomorrow!

Hey! How Come There Hasn’t Been A Good Illuminati Conspiracy Lately?

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You’re kinda dropping the ball here, Jay and the gang. We haven’t had a solid political assassination, disguised lizard senator or contaminated drinking water scare in like forevah!

And I know, I know, I know. Those rumors are supposed to come from conspiracy nuts and not the Illuminati itself. But when you think about it, it really should be the Illuminati leaking the information subtly to a few off the grid individual loners, that nobody should in their right mind believe. And that’s what makes the cloaked group so exclusive. Do I have to come over to the manor, Jay-Z and teach you lot a class on secret societies 101.

The Hell, Diet Pepsi?

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Well it happened, folks. The “New Generation” of Fascists have changed Diet Pepsi irrevocably!

No longer will DP’s consist of Aspartame (aka Nutrasweet, aka Equal, aka Sweet n’ Low), that delicious tasting saccharin that we all know and love. Skinny Pepsers will now consist mostly of Sucralose (aka Splenda, aka acesulfame K, aka hot garbage).

Why? Because Pepsico is trying to douse us with sweetness. Aspartame was a gentle 200x sweeter than regular D-Gloucose, while Scuralose is a heart pulverizing 600x sweeter than good old confectioner!

I don’t want to start a panic, but if you drink a 12oz. can of Diet Pepsi after 11:59:59 PST on July 31st, you will contract a whole ton of diabetes THAT NIGHT!!!

Enjoy!

Lexus Makes HoverBoards Now. Right On Schedule!

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2015 on the dot. Although much more steam powered than we originally expected. On August 5th we will even get to see if somebody that weights more than forty pounds can ride one two, and if they cost lest than 200,000 Euro.

I don’t know about you all, but when you were in middle school or junior high did you all have that kid who claimed that his “cousin” had a hoverboard before they stopped making them. Because I certainly did, and boy did we all hate that guy!

Muscular Biker Moves Car, With His Bare Hands! (But Not The Kind of Biker You’re Thinking Of)

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That’s right, the guy was a cyclist. And he had no room in his heart for inconsiderate parkers. Yeah man, get some, you Brazilian cyclist!

Terminator Genisys Was Actually Pretty Badass!

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Maybe I’m out of touch. Because it seemed that everybody was hating on this movie. I on the other hand thought it was pretty good. Who knows, maybe I’m easy to please too.

Then again, aquatic explorer and sometimes director, James Cameron liked it. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Personally, I thought this was the second best Terminator or ALL TIME! Obviously, Ob-Vi-Ous-Ly, nothing’s gonna beat Terminator 2: Judgement Day, as far as bad-ass, mind blowing sci-fi movies go. But Genisys, definitely brought it.

And I know you’re probably thinking, “But what about Terminator 1? That was just as good as T2 and way better than Genisys.”

Well, first off, it’s called, The Terminator. And second off, it’s a mediocre 80’s action movie at best. Had a good premise, I’ll give you that, but all it was was Arnold chasing around Linda Hamilton for an hour and a half. T2 and Genisys have layers, man!

Woman Straight Up Drops Her Baby To Catch The Bridal Bouquet

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Women… am I right?

So desperate to get a guy to put a ring on it, that they’ll do anything to catch that ceremonial bunch of flowers that the bride throws over her shoulder for some reason.

She’s gotta point though. Maybe if she had a husband there’d be somebody to hold her child while she publicly embarrasses herself on the dance floor. Then again, if she had a husband she probably wouldn’t be there in the first place.

John Cena Broke His Nose On Wrestling The Other Night

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Just another normal night on the WWE, when all of a sudden Cena takes a knee to the face and his nose explodes into blood and gets crooked all over the place.

But, I have to ask, is this a story line? This has go to be part of the story line, no?

Near Naked and Stoned Ice Cream Man Insults Kids in Buffalo

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Just a normal Buffalo summer day. Can’t blame the guy, it was hot!

A New York man was arrested on Friday after allegedly driving around an ice cream truck in his underwear while intoxicated and yelling at children, WIVB reports.

According to the Erie County Sheriff’s Office, deputies responded to the scene after receiving complaints of an ice cream driver “screaming at people while scantily clothed.”

Police said they arrived to find Ryan Duff, a 24-year-old man, wearing only his underwear.

A police investigation led officers to believe he was under the influence, so they arrested him and brought him in for drug testing. Although Duff refused testing, police said a drug recognition expert decided he was impaired by drugs.

Police reportedly charged Duff with DWI and other offenses before releasing him to a sober driver.

Best part of the story. The ice cream truck owner wanted to assure people that this guy wasn’t the owner, but rather one of his employees.

You Heard It Here First; Ernest Hemingway Look-alike Winner Announced!

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Yep, this is something they do in Florida every year. And this guy finally won the contest after 15 attempts (so he eventually started to look more like Papa over a decade and a half).

And I want to remind everyone that this isn’t who looks the most like the handsome young Ernest Hemingway who became a literary celebrity and a modern day sage of great wisdoms. This is a contest to see who looks most like the bloated, old, depressed, alcoholic Hemingway.

Oh, and by the way this is around the time he shot himself in the face, guys. And his family was a ripe mess. Is that really what you should be aiming to emulate?

Hogan Fired: Brooke Responds

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Hulk Hogan’s business partner and good friend, Brooke Hogan has responded to Hulkamania’s firing by writing a poem on Facebook. (That’s as big as I’m gonna make it. If you want to read the full letter, look it up. Brookey needs the FB hits anyway, times are hard for the Bollea clan).

Seeing as Dad is just about to step out of the limelight for good (NO Thunderlips cameo announced for the upcoming Apollo Creed movie), Brooke is making one final stab to relive the glory of the old “Hogan Knows Best” days of the mid 2000’s. You know, minus her brother killing that kid and her mom dating a slew of 19-year-olds after divorcing her fathers.

Hogan Fired by the WWE

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This is something. WWE ripped the rug out of their mustachioed legend, over a tape that surfaced of him from eight years ago spewing a rant in which he used the N word dozens of times. Hulkster apologized for his lack of judgement, but it wasn’t enough for him to keep his job with the company he had worked for on and off for nearly 40 years.

Then again, this is most likely a story line, right? Everything is wrestling is a story line and nothing is real. That’s right, WWE may have out meta-ed us once again. Stay tuned…

Satanic Statue to Debut in the Motor City

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Okay, we’re having fun here. A statue of Baphomet (not Satan) is being unveiled in Detroit by a Satanist group looking to have good times with their up pointing effigy.

And the great part is, people are losing their minds over it. Mostly the type who kneel in pews for hours every week.

But let’s not, people. It’s only a statue, and it looks professional enough, with some nice marble and stone work. And what do you care that it’s something you don’t believe in. Would you freak the geek out if somebody erected a statue of Peter Pan?

Also, Baphomet is normally portrayed as having super large titties, so the Satanists didn’t even want to walk that slippery slope, so they sound pretty reasonable to me. Cut them some like, Christians, you animals!

Key and Peele is Ovah

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Key and Peele are calling it wrap after five seasons. In a few month’s time there won’t be any new episodes ever.

Before you go and start calling them a couple of Dave Chappelles for bowing out at the top of their game, remember first that Chappelle hardly lasted two seasons, and that Daniel Tosh is looking more and more pathetic as he goes into something like season 26 of his show in which he watches YouTube clips.

There’s something to say about leaving while you’re on top. Besides it’ll be kinda hard in a few years to do an “anger translator sketch” for then President Mike Huckabee.

Snoop Arrested on SUSPICION of Marijuana in Sweden

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Dude, Sweden, you’re doing it wrong. Can’t pull a brother over because you think he’s hitting up some tree. And secondly, of course Snoop is fucked up 24/7, what are you doing pulling him over and throwing him in a cell for? Guy just wanted to do a show in your backward country.

Apparently Marijuana has been SUPER ILLEGAL in Sweden since 1988. So bad they can just pull you over if they think you might be thinking about vaping some cheeb. What the hell is wrong with you, Sweden? How you gonna play us like that?

Well, now you’ve done it. Snoop certainly isn’t gonna Swiss miss you, because he’s never coming back there again, and rightfully so.

How Bout That Ashley Madison Hack?

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How unacceptable is this? Bunch of Hackers (not slackers) destroyed Ashley Madison recently by blackmailing the paying users with their own credit information.

How could this happen? Where are our firewalls?

If married men and women can’t go to a site to set up affairs behind their spouses backs without fear of being hacked, I don’t even know if we can call America “The Home of the Free” anymore.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, Hackers!

Only Two Cities Took The NHL’s Bait

OTTAWA, ON - JANUARY 14:  A Quebec Nordiques fan shows his support for their return to the NHL at a game between the Calgary Flames and the Ottawa Senators at Scotiabank Place on January 14, 2011 in Ottawa, Canada.  (Photo by Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images)

There were a lot of budgetary and economic matters that resulted in only Las Vegas and Quebec City being the only two cities that put in a bid for an expansion team expected sometime around 2017 or 18.

But forget all about that! Nobody wants to see a professional hockey team in a clown west coast city like Las Vegas. Shit, while were at it we don’t really need teams in Anaheim, Phoenix or L.A. either! (You’re still cool, San Jose).

Bring back the goddamned Nordiques already! What’s the matter with you, hockey? This is a long time coming…

You Asked For It, Maybe? “Straight Outta Compton” The Movie

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In case, for some reason, you ever wanted to know more about N.W.A. than their music, there ya have it. They even cast two gentlemen to play MC Ren and DJ Yella. That’s right, somebody cared enough about MC Ren and DJ Yella to include them in this biopic.

BTW the bets are open, will the guy playing Ice Cube be a better actor than Ice Cube? You decide.

Fifa’s Sepp Blatter, ‘Making It Rain!’

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It’s similar to that time when another British “comedian” threw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face in the middle of his ‘kangaroo court’ trial. It’s not really funny and it only happens because enough people think the guy in question is a bad guy, and they’re absolutely right in believing that…

But as far as the humor of it all goes… meh!

Septuagenarian Shot In The Ass, Because of Turtles

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Here’s the whole story:

An elderly Florida man was shot in the buttock with his own gun this week after confronting an intoxicated man who was disrupting sea turtle nests, the New York Daily News reports.

According to witnesses, the suspect later identified by police as 38-year-old Michael McAuliffe began harassing a group of volunteers watching over hatching sea turtles on Friday, saying, “I’m going to get you, you fucking sea turtle people” and “I’m going to beat the fuck out of you.”

“I figured if I showed a handgun that would be enough to diffuse any situation,” one of the volunteers, 73-year-old Stan Pannaman, told the Daily News. 

Unfortunately, Pannaman had not diffused the situation. 

[S]econds after Pannaman put the gun back in his pocket, McAuliffe “lunged at me, grabbed me and threw me down onto the sand,” [Pannaman] said.

As they wrestled, McAuliffe hit him in the face and gouged his head, Pannaman said. “I saw stars for a few minutes,” he said.

When McAuliffe got hold of the pistol, he stood up, Pannaman said, and declared, “I’m going to shoot you with your flare gun.”

“Sir,” Pannaman said, “it’s not a flare gun. It’s a real gun.”

Pannaman says McAuliffe then shot him, leaving him with a bullet lodged in his left buttock.

“He asked me ‘Are you all right?’” said Pannaman. “I looked at him and I said ‘No, I’m not all right. You just shot me.’”

Shortly afterward, authorities arrived at the scene and arrested McAuliffe. He now faces charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon and battery on a person 65 or older.

I don’t know if it’s crazier that the old gent got shot with his own gun that he had for protection, or that there is a separate crime for beating on geezers.

Either way, good looking out for those turtles, mate.

Garrison Keillor to Retire From “A Prairie Home Companion.”

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Oh, “A Prairie Home Companion,” I wish I gave a damn. But you were far too down-homey and quaint for basically anybody’s taste.

Also, by a show of hands, who thought that “APHC” ended its run years ago?

By another show of hands, who thought Garrison Keillor also died many years ago?

Happy Trails, Alex Rocco

You probably remember Alex Rocco from either “The Godfather 1” where he played Moe Greene who Michael had shot in the eye in Las Vegas; or as the voice of Roger Meyer Jr., the son of the creator of Itchy and Scratchy on “The Simpsons.”

Luckily Alex Rocco wasn’t shot in the eye, but rather died relatively peacefully at home following some medical issues.

As tribute, one last time, here is that video of him being shot in the eye in “Godfather 1”

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“High School Musical” Kid in Shootout With Police

So if you and your buddies have ever sat around arguing about who the “hardest” kid from high school musical was, you finally have an answer. It’s this guy:

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Shootout with police and he lives to tell the tale, this guy is bulletproof!

Bloom County is Back

After nearly 25 years Bloom County the comic strip is coming back in some form. Might be in newspapers it might be online or it might be lasered directly into your forehead. Nobody knows, it’s way too early in the process!

Anyway here are a few of the old strips. See if they’re dry enough for you.

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Bloom County, for the win! Screw, Calvin and Hobbes!