You Don’t Know Me At All, YouTube!

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So, the worst thing in life, has to be the “YouTube Recommends for You” feature. It’s composed of blatant attempts by YouTube to get me to watch what everybody else is watching, so they will always know what is “in.” It’s a scam people.

Also, they’re the worst grammarists in the business. Today they recommended “Animated Cartoons” for me.

The hell, YouTube? What’s a cartoon if it’s not animated. They’re fucking synonyms, you dicks! Leave me alone, YouTube. And stop using my Google searches for your suggestions. Just because I Google “strange discharge” doesn’t mean I wanna watch a video about it.

Besides, I was looking up “strange discharge” for a friend… (whistles  nonchalantly, and slowly backs away).

Chris Carter Apologizes, Because Chris Carter is a Team Player.

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Okay, so we’re going to have some differences of opinion here. Carter recently apologized for on air comments saying that upcoming NFL rookies should consider finding a “fall guy” in case they find themselves in legal trouble.

I understand why he did it (because he’s not allergic to money), but really that comment was probably the only piece of useful information that will be uttered during the entirety of preseason football.

Do you’all know how dull preseason is, especially on the commentary side? Dreadfully so, that’s how much. They’ll spit meaningless stats and try to predict the unpredictable, and unless something is blatantly obvious, they’ll try to steer clear of it. Because apparently it’s taboo for a football “analyst” to be wrong.

So, whatever a few more bland weeks of this. Real games will start soon enough.

Morrissey Forcing His First Novel Upon His Unsuspecting Fans

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Lunatic Vegan and all around condescending tosser, Steven Morrissey (Who back in the day put out some solid music), has decided to turn his talents to novel writing after the recent success of his autobiography.

Now, I haven’t read the book yet, but I’ve come prepared with a review anyway: While made up of decent prose especially for a first time author, his [Morrissey’s] novel is too preachy and about topics that the average non-megalomaniac would have trouble relating too. All in all, it feels as if he needs to return to his roots and go back to what brought him to prominence in the first place. Overall 2.5 stars out of a possible 10.

Ninjitsu Store Robber Scared of by Clerk With Bigger Sword

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It’s an adage as old as time. I believe from Confucius: “If you wanna rob a store make sure your sword is larger than the clerk’s! It’s common goddamned sense, people!”

Stephen Colbert Began Life in a Rolling Stones Cover Bad

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So there you have it folks, a Rolling Stones cover band of all things is where this particular comic genius traces his humble beginnings to. Any port in a storm.

Not too bad though, if that’s your sort of thing. I personally wouldn’t even get excited about the Rolling Stones, but I digress.

Plus this is nothing as far as embarrassment level, compared to Ricky Gervais’s shitty 80’s band Seona Dancing.

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Although he did pay for the entire music video for around 300 pound, I’m told. That’s pretty fucking rock n’ roll!

Big Bird, You Sell Out Bastard!

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“One thing that you can’t control is you never know. You never know. You want to put yourself in the position where you feel that it’s the best opportunity. But saying I can win a Daytime Emmy next year or saying I can win it a year after, those are things that you don’t know until you go out there and actually play the game.

“But you have to put yourself in the right position to be able to compete and also accomplish the goals that you set out for.

“I think the major factor and the major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also.

“And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a baby chick or even in flight school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help the people in my neighborhood get better and just wanting to win. And I’ve done some great things in my forty-seven years on the air, and I want to continue to do that.

“In this fall, this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to take my talents to Premium Cable and join the HBO!”

The Continuing Strange Career Path of Selena Gomez Continues

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You’re all over the place, Gomey! First you’re a Disney girl, fine, fine, most of us begin our careers like that, nothing unusual.

Then you have that long drawn out relationship with the Beebs, and it’s kinda embarrassing the way he strings you along like an accessory.

Then you, barrage us all with a slew of bubblegum pop hits, some of which are kinda rapey, but not.

And now this? Are you trying to be hard? Ariana Grande? Or, some sort of depressed middle-aged housewife, who’s embracing her Hispanic heritage for the first time in her career?

You’re an odd duck, Selena. Keep it up!

Report OBLITERATES Small Child! -OR- C’mon, Kid, Nut Up, The World Ain’t Gonna Be Easy!

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It doesn’t have to be a hard hitting news story to sting!

Everything was going just fine, she was getting to the bottom of how kids feel about starting Pre-K in a new uncomfortable environment.

And then she had to speak about Mom!

Jesus Christ, lady! Did they teach you how to crush little kid’s dreams at Columbia Journalism School?

 

Republican Debate Gets A ‘Bad Lip Reading’ Treatment

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Well here it is in its entirety. Though, I gotta admit, I’m kinda over the whole bad lip reading thing. It was funny for about five minutes three or four years ago. But now it seems they’re really just stretching for a joke. Besides, isn’t the regular Republican debate absurdly funny on its own?

This, though, will forever be timeless:

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Israeli Spy Dolphin! Has The Middle East Gone Too Far?

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This week Hamas claimed to have captured an Israeli “spy dolphin.”

Now, now, now, before you jump out of your chair and punch the closest person to you in the face, keep in mind that the world may not be ending, for there has yet to surface any proof of this spy dolphin.

So for now, it is only a rumor, an incredibly frightening rumor or a dolphin equipped with spying devices, such as: cameras, microphones, a beige trench coat, and tinted aviator sunglasses.

Has this aquatic mammal been stripped of her free will and become yet another player in the endless Middle East quagmire?

Stay tuned! And keep watching… the seas!

This New “Thin Mario” Is Blowing My Mind Right Now

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What is happening here? Am I stoned? Why’s he thin and so flexible? Why are the cannons firing coins amidst strobe lights?

Has Nintendo run out of ideas? How many times do they have to remaster the same old game? Does anybody even own a Wii U?

More Bad News For The ‘Subway’ Guy

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I have absolutely no love for Jared Fogle, that goddamned child fornicator, who used to be the spokesman for “Subway” after he lost a bunch of weight only eating Subway sandwiches.

But I have to say, it was pretty unfortunate for him that the day all that shit he was piling up hit the fan, it had to be so rainy. Because that blue rain slicker only makes him look that much more of a creeper. Come on, Jared! Don’t you have something that doesn’t say “I dream of 13-year-old girls every night?”

Anyway, enjoy prison, buddy. They don’t take well to your kind in there.

The Philadelphia Police Are Cooking On A Different Planet!

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A few things right off the bat:

1) Why the hell is the Philly Police Department getting involved in archaic anti drug PSAs?

2) Why the hell do they think kids today would even get a ‘Saved by the Bell’ reference?

3) Was the pasted on head at the end supposed to be funny, or does the PPD have no sort of       budget for this type of thing? I mean it’s not hard to do this of edit.

4) Why is that football player yelling at me?

5) Do you think police commissioner, Charles Ramsey, would be fun at parties?

Those ‘Ashley Madison’ Hackers Just Released A Bunch Of Data!

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No, Ashley Madison, No! DO NOT, put your finger in front of your lips! That is the exact opposite of how your website behaves. A shit-ton of your private client’s information has been posted on the Dark Web, because your security wasn’t powerful enough!

You fools! Now husbands and wives hoping to cheat on their spouses are going to have to do it the old fashioned way! Either slinking off to bars, when they tell their spouse they’re working, or hiring a perky looking nanny and slowly chipping away at her over time.

Shame on you, Ash!

You’all See This ‘Hateful 8’ Trailer?

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Just when I thought Tarantino wasn’t doing anything for me anymore, he goes and makes a cowboy-esque caper movie with numerous intriguing characters.

The man knows what people want. Oh, and there’s a bunch of gun play and shit too. And good for you, Quentin, dropping this trailer 4-5 months before the movie actually airs, and none of this “trailer over a year before the goddamned movie comes out” bullshit. Yeah, I’m looking at you Batman v. Superman, and Suicide Squad.

Coca-Cola Acting Like Ballers In Order To Keep Folks Drinking Their Syrupy Sugar-Water

This Oct. 15, 2012 photo shows eight ounce bottles of Coca Cola arranged for a photo in Surfside, Fla. Coca-Cola Co. reports quarterly financial results before the market opens on Tuesday, April 15, 2014. (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

Way to go, Coke! You’re acting like a fucking alpha dog in a beta dog world. You’ve realized rule number one in kicking ass and taking names. Don’t change the players, CHANGE THE GAME!

Coca-Cola corp. just paid off a battalion of scientists for them to say that obesity isn’t caused by a poor diet, like from drinking coke or anything… Obesity is caused from lack of exercise, you stupid fatty morons. So leave Coke alone, they’re not the ones you should be angry with, true anger should be turned within — says scientists.

Tim Tebow Still Sucks, Why Are People Still Surprised?

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I you had to be told this, you’re not paying attention!

And I admit, he could have come back to the NFL after a two+ year sabbatical and turned out to be great. It would’ve surprised me, but it could have happened.

But him suddenly being good, THAT would have been the surprise, because historical he’s played like shit in the NFL, so that’s the standard.

Why anybody would still be surprised because he STILL sucks is beyond me.

Another Football Season, Another Year of Geno Smith Follies!

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Geno, what are you doing? I don’t give two shits about you, but even I feel bad.

He’s out for six to ten weeks over a dispute with a reserve lineman over $600!

600 dollars! Just pay the man, you have a shitty career to try to save. But, nope, Instead:

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Fortunately for Geno, the Jets are probably going to start Ryan Fitzpatrick at the beginning of the season, so if he’s ever going to have a chance to try for that starter job again, that is a stroke of good luck.

How pathetic is it for the Jets though, that they have to choose between Fitzpatrick and Geno. I mean, my Bills are by no means a pristine team, but they went through choosing between Fitzpatrick and Geno 2-3 seasons ago!

Anyway, what do I know?

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Google Inc. is now Alphabet Inc.

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So this happened. And I get it, they want to be called something other than google so they can get into development outside the realm of the search engine blanket. They want to get into things like robot sex ladies, world currency control, and spoons that will automatically shovel lard right into your body. And they can’t do that if people are thinking they’re old family-style Google.

But Alphabet? C’mon folks, that’s the worst name I’m ever heard. At least with Google, you had some swagger. This sounds like some corporation that makes those old shitty wood building blocks, probably with super poisonous Chinese lead paint!

Oh, That Wacky White House!

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A white house aide was recently arrested for allegedly taking some shots at her boyfriend (presumably former boyfriend now), a DC cop, after what apparently was an altercation over a cell phone.

Oh, that white house staff, shooting first and asking cellphone related questions later. Sometimes politics are just too much for me.

Ronda Rousey Says She Could Beat Mayweather in a “No-Rules” Fight.

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I don’t think about Ronda Rousey much, but I probably should because she seems like a big bundle of fun. She’s loud, cocky, she’s currently reading “Game of Thrones” (ASOIF), and she’s a hot piece that pummels a bunch of chick’s faces on a regular basis.

In a recent AMA she claimed that she could beat anybody in a slap-down, no holds barred, rule-less fight. Even Floyd “Money” Mayweather. The current champ of 3/8th of all boxing belts, or however fucking boxing is measuring their champs these days.

Ronda, Ronda, Ronda! Don’t you know that if you want to fight Mayweather in a no rules fight, first your managers are going to have to speak, then you’re going to go through constant negotiations to get the purse at the right level, then you’ll have to agree on the distribution of the purse, then advertising rights, venues, etc.

By the time your no rules fight actually takes place it’ll be many years later, you’ll be well past your prime of when you posed the fight, and all of either of your fans will have lost interest in the event, 5 years prior at a minimum.

So, good luck with that one, Rousey!

Crack That Whip, Olsen Twins!

**FILE**Workers at a Nike factory on the outskirts of Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, assemble shoes in this Oct. 10, 2000, file photo. Michigan State, among many schools with sponsorship agreements with Nike and the school will have senior associate athletic director Mark Hollis joining Nike officials for an upcoming tour of manufacturing facilities in Vietnam and China. (AP Photo/Richard Vogel)

Seems like the Olsen Twins fashion line floor, may look a little something like this. Who knew?

Basically, Girl One and Twinsey are being sued by a plethora of former and current interns because they didn’t get paid for doing the same job as salaried employees.

Now you probably think that this is totally a down and dirty business move by those two sitcom alum. sisters who have more money than some small countries. On the other hand though, do these people who are bringing this lawsuit against them, understand the definition of “INTERN?”

Happy Trails, Frank Gifford

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I’m totally not old enough to have even come close to knowing Frank as a player for the NY Giants in the 1950’s.

But, fortunately I remember him from the Monday Night Football booth in the 1990’s, and that was pretty dope!

Plus, he was married to Kathy Lee, which must’ve been pretty weird.

So, happy trails, guy who probably used to play football, even though I’m only taking it on assumption!

Keith Richards Just Called “Sgt. Pepper’s” A Load of Crap!

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Dude, what you ever done? Rolling Stones, c’mon you wanna talk a bunch of shit that was released slowly over 30+ years, than you’ve discovered bullshit.

However, if you wanna talk amazing albums that no half-assed British bands can’t even come close to after 30 years of trying too hard, then you have “Sgt. Peppers!”

Why don’t you die already Keith Richards. Seriously. I’m very serious, I hope you die soon.

2 “Bad Boys” Sequels in the Works. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

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Aren’t we already too tired after the 2003 follow-up to the classic first film, which wasn’t that great to begin with?

And even if you liked it (it being the first one), there’s no possible way you could’ve liked the sequel. Really, that shit was hot garbage, what are you doing with your life?

The Hell Jon Stewart? Retiring The Day BEFORE The Republican Debates?

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Confession, I didn’t watch the last episode of The Daily Show. Still looking forward to the new show with the new guy, however.

But, c’mon Jonny, your thing was doing stuff to Republican politicians, like they don’t have no genitalia or nothing! So… uh… what the devil went wrong-zo?

How’d I Miss That Republican Debate?

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How did I not comment on the Republican debate that happened on Thursday? Probably because it was super, super, SUPER boring!

I mean, c’mon every one of those crazies were on their best behaviors. Even freaking, Donald Trump! How the hell did I get suckered into watching this bore-fest? I was promised a ton of crazy and I only got like 2.5% of that! The fuck?

Where Are They Now? Fishermen Posing For Pictures Holding Up A Large Fish Of Some Kind

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You hardly see this at all anymore. It’s being chalked up to a dying art form.

Back when I was a kid, however, sport enthusiasts were holding up their catches like gangbusters!

I blame global warming…

Red Sox Fan Pukes On Everybody Below Him!

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Meh, I can hardly blame the guy. If I were forced to watch a boring game like baseball for a minimum of nine innings straight, I’d probably drink to excess too.

Who am I kidding? I drink to excess when I watch good sports, like football and hockey, as well.

Former Law & Order Director Arrested For Child Porn

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All right, so everything is still “alleged” right now, so I’m not going to jump totally off the deep end here. But if it turns out to be true, and this guy who directed episodes of Law & Order is guilty of downloading or purchasing child pornography, he’s gotta be one of the biggest idiots in the universe! Did he ever bother to watch the show he was directing? The villains in the show got busted for child porn all the frizzin’ time! And they showed in depth how the police tracked down these perverts. So how did he think he’d be able to get away with it, after all evidence to the contrary being waved in his face, week after week.

Either way, I am mostly writing about this as an excuse to play that classic theme song. Love that bass!

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BTW, do you think the cops and lawyers on this real life case are in a hallway somewhere casually chatting and walking slowly? I think so.