The Third Dead Website

www.Aol.comThat is right good old America OnLine. AOl was used more when you had to put in the CD and download it to your computer. Log on with your screen name and go straight to the chat rooms to cyber with hot chicks.  The sad thing is that my main email is still my AOL account, but the new site is not the same, I miss the old days of AOl and when you were booted off of AOL you had to go to Prodigy. Prodigy was where all the hoodlums hung out.

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She is Alone

This one is a no brainer. Chick alone at a bar = easy poon.  The only girls that hit the bar by themselves are one that are looking for trouble and my new name is trouble. Now if only I can find a chick by herself at a bar, taking a shot, while wearing her hair in a ponytail so I can the tattoo on the back of her neck. Jackpot, time to go to Vegas.

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She Is Dressed Like A Stripper But Has Her Hair In A Ponytail

This one you just have to trust your boy Muff with.  In my wisdom I have found that when a woman is dressed like a stripper but has her hair up in a ponytail, she is ready to spread her legs faster than a lunch lady spreads peanut butter on a Thursday half day.  Girls like to smell nice and they like to have their necks getting attention. They put up their hair and splash on a little perfume and it is like a sign that says mu pussy is open.

Remember though this only works when they are dressed up like a stripper, not when they are at the supermarket or just coming home from the gym. The hair is in a ponytail then to get it out of they way. When they are dressed up, the ponytail is done on purpose to get dick. My dick

Click here for the next woman that will blow your mind, and your junk.

McSteak And Cheese Sandwich

The McSteak and Cheese would be great.  Take the steak from the morning and put it on a seeded bun with cheese and onions, why this is not on the menu puzzles me.  This should be number 13 value meal and I should be eating this tomorrow.


The Accommodations

The accommodations on the Cape always suck. You have two ways to go when you arrive past the canal. Rent a house of stay at a hotel/motel/ Holiday Inn… say what! (yea I know old school rap)

Renting a house is always great on the Cape except it costs like a boat load of money. Now because it costs more than a gang orgy in Mexico just for one night, you have to be flexible.  The more the merrier is what I say, lets get them costs down to like 75 bucks a person. The next thing I know there are 30 people staying in a house that has 4 bedrooms. Now I am paying 75 bucks a night to sleep on a floor or on a shitty blow up bed that I could have put on the beach for free. Oh and what the fuck is with all of the decorations in the house, where does one even find a decorative  lobster trap?  Homeless people have it better than I do when I go to the Cape. 

The other option is staying in some shitty hotel room that is way over priced and is owned by some asshole couple that have way too many rules for me, Like why do I need a bathing suit for your ghetto pool, I enjoy skinny dipping and besides I don’t wanna get any piss all over my trunks. The high end hotel rooms that are nice, I cant afford, does it look like I have a guy named Virgil with me, no I don’t so it is off to the motel for me.  The motels on the cape were all made before you and I were even an itch in your fathers crotch, The bed is musty and covered in so much jizz that I won’t let a woman sleep nude in them for the fear she will get knocked up by the mattress.

But hey, who cares that I am paying way to much for a shitty nights sleep on a bed that 2000 dudes have had a gang bang in, It is the Cape and I am on vacation.

Click here for the next reason Cape Cod sucks

Ultimate Chicken McNugget and Hash SnackWrap

This one we go to the drawing board for.  Wrap, hash brown, chesse, three chicken nuggets.  Oh yea baby I can just taste it now, the ultimate chicken McNugget hash wrap.  What a winner and yet another item for the dollar menu and more profits for the golden arches.

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Mother Teresa

Imagine you could bang someone and change history.  She might not be the best looking woman but I’m guessing she would have been a wild woman in the sack.  For this ultimate bang I would need super mojo and a time machine.  Although I am pretty sure that I invent a time machine I would be able to complete this whole list because I would be super rich and super famous.  I would also be all up in that blessed booty!

Odds of this happening 999,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-1

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It is not that I find Oprah hot or sexy. I just want to be able to tell people that I banged Oprah. What a way to make that Dos Equis guy look like the lamest guy in the world, oh yea buddy your the most interesting man in the world, well I banged Oprah.

Odds of this happening 1,000,000-1 ( I feel like this may be easier than pulling a threesome with two college chicks but what do I know)

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Playboy Playmate Of The Year

I don’t care who the Playmate Of The Year is because she is always hot. I just want to bang her because there is only one per year. The numbers are very limited on how many there are. Just one, that is it.  I would have to get an invite to the Playboy mansion for a party and ignore all the other Playmates until I got my girl. This would take a lot of self control and a lot of swagger. My spank bank would also be filled in twenty minutes.

Odds of this happening 25,000-1 ( A lot of things would have to happen including the return of Halley’s comet and a penial implant)

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The College Hottie And Her Hottie Roommate

Lets go for two! Two hot chicks that is, and not any two hot chicks will do, I want college roommates!  They have to go to college and it has to be done in a dorm room.  This will happen when I am now a famous blogger that is brought in by a college to speak to students about making millions online.  A little extra tutoring will be needed by some girls and they will get an A+ from me.

Odds of this happening 125-1 ( I need you to tell all your friend about and also).

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Tara Reid

Tara Reid, remember the chick from American Pie.  Now I know what your saying, dude their are so many other hotter girls from hollywoodland that are so much better looking, yea I know but Tara Ried looks like shit and because of that I could really have a shot at it.

She is in Vegas one night and we are hanging out at like Pure or some shitty club like that,  I am rocking the VIP area and so is she, I buy her multiple shots of expensive tequila and next thing you know I am doing the tongue tornado like the kid from Little Big League.

Odds of this happening 30-1 (Need to be in the right place and right time, also have to be up big money playing blackjack)

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The Hottest Stripper

Now don’t get this confused with any stripper, I am talking about banging the HOT stripper.  The one at the club that is making the most cash buy doing the least amount of work.  Anyone can bang the ugly stripper, shit I have done that numerous time, but the Hot stripper is there to make cash and touch the least amount of dude junk. The hot stripper would have to be treated as a friend and taken out on a number of dates before I bang her during a coke binge at my penthouse apartment.

Odds of this happening 25-1 ( I don’t have the penthouse pad and would just give up and bang the stripper with the C-section scar)

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The Older Sex Starved Cougar Boss

You know this Cougar Boss, She works in the office and is always busting my balls for doing shitty work, but one night while working late on the big project, I get deep inside of her mind and find out how she likes to be in control. She has a private office and various whips and chains. She is always on top, in every aspect of life.

Odd of this happening 20-1 ( there are a lot of better looking boy toys for this kitty in the office and wait, I don’t work in an office)

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The College Intern

The College Intern is a is on my list of chicks I would like to bang because there is just something so dirty and wrong with plowing your intern.  She is smart and sexy and working for you for free.  She puts in long hours and knows how you like it, your coffee that is.  But one night she is working late and just broke up with her boyfriend and is looking for a man that is older and wiser, that is where I come in.

The next day she cleans out her desk because things are now awkward, but I give her one hell of a reference.

Odds of this happening 15-1 ( I don’t work in an office and we don’t have interns at, yet)

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The 18 Year Old Run Away With Daddy Issues

So I am driving down the road one day on my way home from work and I stop at 7-11 to get a Double Gulp and out front is a girl asking me for a ride to the bus station….  That is how the story starts when I meet my 18 year old runaway with daddy issues.  Is it wrong that I exploit her daddy issues and “console” her on the ride, oh yea, but how often to you strike gold?

Odds of this happening 12-1 (most 18 year old girls have their own cars to drive away)

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The High Priced Hooker

The high priced hooker is on my list first because it may be the easiest one to obtain, I just need the money.  Now I’m not talking about your common street whore or a ho off of Craigslist.  I am talking about the kind of girl from Pretty Woman.  The kind of chick that you pay over $3000 for her and she is yours for the entire evening. 

She dresses in nice gowns, we eat dinner together, hit the suite in a fancy hotel, maybe take a bubble bath and soap each other out.  We bang until I pass out and then she leaves. Nice and easy, the only problem is I don’t have the three grand for the girl and the $700 for dinner and a room

Odds of this happening 8-1 ( I could hit the lottery or this website could explode into a pile of riches)

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#2 Fenway Park

The Red Sox suck this year but at least chicks still think that Fenway is the greatest place on earth.  Chicks now get all sluted up to go to the game, add the addition of beer and next thing you know, these girls are ready to party. The sad thing is I have a feeling I am not telling you anything you don’t already know!

The final place to find chicks