It’s happening folks, it’s ALL happening! I’ve been trying to travel more for years now, but I’ve been unable to; a victim of my numerous vices. I can’t drink, smoke, or even stay focused for more than an hour at a time to even get anywhere.

And do you know what’s 1 hour in any direction from Buffalo? Absolutely nothing! But now Tesla is taking all the hard work on it’s shoulders. No I can get my lady friend in her dress-like turtleneck and have all sorts of legroom and do things up.

The possibilities are endless from here on out. It’s all going to be fine from here on out, unless of course there are any restrictions to this self-driving car. But considering this picture above that can’t be true at all, there is no way that the Tesla company would misrepresent themselves in pictures. I mean, they’re not allowed to do that, right? Right?

I completely missed this story, but I felt it needed to be said. Not about the porno, that could happen to anybody. But really Target employees, really?

At my local Target people get shit done! If a problem occurs, the great red-shirts have it squashed in seconds flash. But these jokers in California, it took them more than five minutes to stop the audio… and then it miraculously started again. Outrageous!

Mad new found crazy respect for my local Target.

C’mon guys, you get a little heat from the federal government and all of a sudden you pull ads. I mean, I’ve watched all the sports this year (NFL and NHL, only), and I haven’t been harassed once to give all my money for vague promises of bettering myself.

Now all I get is Fan Duel ads, “ad” nausea, with vague promises of bettering myself.

Hey, c’mon, it’s an easy mistake. Just like the time my Amazon account suggested ball gags and anal beads after I bought a used copy of “Of Human Bondage.”

Besides it’s got a pretty badass bullet shaped container (or is it supposed to be shaped like something else? Meh, we may never know).

Anyway, it’s an impulse buy, and even though it may not be related to handguns, we shouldn’t be trying to get in the marketing brain of Wal*Mart Inc. They may know something that we don’t.

Thank you, Inside Edition, for that in depth report. That being said: Why the hell are you driving around for over an hour, girlie? You get home, and you get home right away. Or um… (clears throat), you don’t drink and drive… yes, that’s it… don’t drink and operate a vehicle at all.

Really, close the doors, you’re giving up on the one thing that you do. Nobody’s sticking around for the Peewee interview or that round table discussion on Madame Bovary. What’s next, is ESPN done with sports because you can find all that and more on the internets?

Christ! Remember the days when you were promised 14 brand new nudes? I mean you went up to your local bodega and were insured that these 14 photos of Pam Anderson weren’t 14 old tit shots of Pammers, but rather 14 never before seen snaps.

Now what are you gonna do, Hef? You’re promising me no new nudes and you want me to buy your magazine anyway! C’mon, mate.

R.I.P. Playboy Magazine. (Also Anna Nicole Smith, who died like eight years ago.)

Rapper Wiz Khalifa was cited for urinating in public after a hometown show in Pittsburgh early Saturday morning.

Pittsburgh city public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler told the AP the incident happened at about 2:30 a.m. Saturday behind a popular Pittsburgh bar called The Flats.

The rapper, a Pittsburgh native who celebrated his PGH pride in his 2010 breakout hit Black and Yellow, was in town performing at the University of Pittsburgh’s Midnight Madness basketball season kickoff Friday night.

Haha! More like “Taking a Whiz Kahlifa,” amirite?

I guarantee I’m the first person to make that joke, by the way.

Get it? Get it? Because it’s two things that aren’t supposed to be together, but then all of a sudden they’re together.

That is all.

Rookie mistake dude, rookie mistake. Nobody has ever died of a weed overdose, EVER! And now you’re getting slammed with possession charges and wasting the dispatcher’s valuable time.

Christ, kids these days.

Another Sunday of old Rexy looking all confused on the sidelines, because even though the Bills were able to conquer the Titans 14-13, it wasn’t because of any football playing prowess, it just was something that sorta happened.

And you know what, Rex? I’m already tired of your crybaby shit regarding a number of our injuries. First off you knew that McCoy wasn’t 100% when you signed him, and the other guys (Aaron Williams, Sammy Watkins, etc.) are fine players, but you should have enough depth to survive five weeks of goddamned football. Maybe if you didn’t insist on having 2 kickers on the roster every goddamned week.

I mean, did you ever see a fantasy team hold onto two kickers? No, because even though the main kicker will have a bi-week at some point, nobody frets about it because kickers are so goddamned interchangeable it doesn’t matter at all!

Wise up, Rex, we’re actually facing a real team next week.

ENTZVILLE, Mo. (AP/KMOV.com) – A 53-year-old man has been charged after police say he entered a Wentzville home, removed his clothes and went to sleep in an empty bedroom. 

Gregory Trent Cole was charged Monday with felony burglary and harassment. According to authorities, Cole entered the home and went into the daughter’s bedroom between 4 and 7:23 a.m. Sunday while the occupants of the residence were in another room. Police said the man was discovered around 8 a.m. when the daughter returned to her bedroom and found him sleeping in her bed. Cole was arrested and taken to the St. Charles County Jail and is being held on $15,000 cash-only bond.

Nice try though, buddy. I liked this story way better when it was Robert Downey Jr. getting high off his ass and falling asleep in a child’s bed.

And guess what, buddy? This happened nearly twenty years ago, so you are sooooo far behind the mark. I mean, I mean, what did you think you’d become the next Iron Man or something? Please, only a small percentage of guys who get wasted and fall asleep in random children’s beds wind up becoming Iron Man. So far only one person who has done the exact thing that you have, has gone on to play Iron Man in various superhero movies. And that man is Robert Downey Jr.

I for one am tired of people thinking that they can simply fall asleep, completely wasted off their asses, in a child’s bed and then suddenly become Iron Man and make 30 million dollars per film.

Let’s look at the cold hard facts:

Odds of winning Powerball: 1 in 292 million

Odds of being attacked by a shark: 1 in 11.5 million

Odds of being struck by lighting: 1 in 960,000

Odds of getting wasted, passing out in a child’s bed, and then becoming the next Iron Man: 1 in 365 million.

So what I’m saying is go out and play Powerball, because there is no way you’re going to be Iron Man after passing out, wasted in a child’s bed.

Then again… The odds of becoming Iron Man and NOT having passed out, high, in a strage child’s bed is probably even longer. Because NOBODY has ever accomplished that.

I’m not saying it would taste bad, nor am I gonna do that extremely tired “it’ll give us all diarrhea” joke. All I’m gonna say is that somebody at Burger King HQ came up with this and immediately went home and bowed deeply in front of his/her family and then probably made vivacious love to his/her wife, and while extremely enjoying the experience, the whole time basking in the genius of putting a black bun on a burger around Halloween time.

While in reality it’s not very appetizingly looking at all. In fact, I’d say it has the polar opposite effect of enticing, whatever that is.

Above all other things, “Rick and Morty” is a show that is sometimes on TV. And sometimes that show is comprised of the characters in the show, watching other shows for an entire episode. Here are those shows. (And a little bit of the characters watching those shows.)

And I don’t know if you’ve seen the previews for this or not, but it looks super low budget and all sorts of terrible. And let’s be clear, this is not an adaptation of an old Goosebumps “novel” this is just some amalgamation of all the hundreds of Goosebumps books that came out in the last twenty years or so.

I would say this is a low point in Mr. Black’s career but then I remember that he also did: King Kong, Gulliver’s travels, Be Kind Rewind, and Year One. So it’s kinda status quo for this guy. So never mind, go forward, Jack.

Then again, he also did High Fidelity and School of Rock, which were a couple of solid flicks.

You all remember Grace Jones? She’s a former model who was in an old James Bond movie with Christopher Walken. (‘A View to a Kill’ was what it was called, just in case you wanna watch it real quick.) Anyway she was recently being interviewed by Paper magazine for some reason, and she just called the shit out of Kanye.

Although it was a bit confusing because she was talking about that nude photo spread of Kim Kardashian that happened a long ass time ago (c’mon get on the stick, Grace), and Kanye only helped a bit. So to be clear, she’s not claiming that she initially wrote ‘Gold digger’ or some shit like that.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: isn’t it strange that we’re hearing from Grace Jones in 2015?

Big Daddy Murdoch recently said (and shortly thereafter apologized about it) that he wanted to see a “real black president” in the White House. Because if there’s something that all conservatives agree on, it’s that they desire to see black people who “act black” in positions of absolute power.

It didn’t help his position when it was discovered that his ideal “real black person” was Bill Cosby. Then again, don’t be too hard on Rupert, the man hasn’t read an actual newspaper (i.e. any newspaper that he doesn’t happen to own) for some thirty years now.

I don’t now, or will I ever care about the dreadfully boring sport of baseball. But even I know how embarrassing this had to be for this guy. I mean the first one, sure anybody could’ve missed that rocket. But the second one was about as threatening as an angry hummingbird, and the third one was a toss from the ball boy.

And why doesn’t this guy have a mitt? And what could possibly be going through his lady friend’s head?

Whatever, I’m sure he was just having a bad day, and in fact, we’re all dickheads for laughing at his misfortune.

He’s meeting in secret with that scumbag clerk from Kentucky now. Which is just all sorts of bananas. But let me be clear, I thought Pope-y was a snake since he took the gig a couple of years ago. I never believed the hype. I’m concerned with who you’re hanging out with, Frankie, and I don’t think I want you coming back to America again.

Okay, Comedy Central, the jig is up. You can’t promote this new show with a new hip young host and a new urban style, and then give us the same thing as a middle aged Jewish guy gave us months before.

C’mon Trevor, give us something to get excited about, not something my grandparents can have on before bedtime to sooth their blood.

This ref may be facing disciplinary actions down in Brazil where this match took place. But really, people, really, he should be commended for getting people to talk about Soccer as something interesting for the first time since the last World Cup.

Also, if these soccer players are anything like those high school football thugs in America, that pistola might become a regular part of the referee uniform before too long.

So here’s what’s possible, but not necessarily actually happening. According to our fruit-based corporate overlords.

So we rely on the Apple Corp. for many aspects of our lives these days. Phones, internet, watches with phone and internet attached… And we trust them with our secrets, banking information, and all of our passwords. And they told us it was going to be safe.

And after the App store hack that occurred last week, Apple Corp. assures everybody that we still are safe and that we can still trust them. And maybe we can, but only maybe.

Apple put a lot of our eggs in one basket. The App store alone housed a number of our secrets which this hack could’ve made vulnerable. But rest assured Apple Corp. said that they didn’t… And that’s all the assurance people needed.

That being said, they’re probably telling the truth, but despite it all Apple has kinda become the ‘1984’ style Big Brother that they claimed they would never become.

Sure, sure, sure. They got Brandon Weeden, and he looked decent against the Falcons despite the loss. His stats may have even been slightly better than Romo’s of the first two weeks. And the Cowboys certainly scored more points last week than they had in their other outings.

But let’s not forget how much of a man crush Cowboy’s owner, Jerry Jones, has on Romo as a person. How is each and every Dallas Cowboy’s fan not dying a little bit inside on behalf of Jerry? I’ll never understand.

Either way, screw the Cowboys. That is all.

Okay, so what are we seeing here? This is from a Los Angeles area high school football game in which a defensive player allegedly smeared some Icy/Hot into an opposing player’s face.

Now this just knocks HS football off the rails coming just weeks after that coach encouraged his player to tackle and altogether target a referee. And yes, I know that there is an infinite number of high schools, most of which have a football squadron, but because of these two examples I have come to an unmovable conclusion: High School ball is far more brutal than the NFL.

The NFL keeps getting softer and softer as the next batch of whining babies sues the league for the “ow-ies” they sustained over time, causing the league to enact rules to make the game duller. While High School is a free-for-all war zone, one in which the attackers take no prisoners.

If you want excitement, and dream of living on the edge, don’t bother with the NFL Sunday ticket, go to your local high school instead. The tickets and concessions are cheap, and there is a great chance that somebody is gonna get murdered!

And don’t even tell me this was accidental: