Two Iranian Poets Face 99 Lashes For Shaking Hands With Opposite Sex Members

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These two Iranians poets (Fatemeh Ekhtesari and Mehdi Musavi, respectively) face 99 lashes for shaking hands with members of the opposite sex.

So you’re telling me they got off easy? #SpotOnPoliticalSatire

But seriously, this is a very depressing story…

Art Comprised Completely of Garbage Is Mistook For (Surprise) Garbage!

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An art exhibit in Italy has been restored after it was mistakenly binned by a cleaner.

The artwork, named “Where shall we go dancing tonight?”, was thrown away by a cleaner who mistook it for a mess from the previous night.

It consisted of cigarette butts, empty champagne bottles and confetti.

The museum has now re-installed the artwork after getting the artists’ approval.

More like this garbage was briefly mistook for a piece of art, amirite? I mean, back in my day people painted landscapes, or portraits, or fruit in a goddamned bowl! What is this shit?

Cut your blasted hair and go out and find a respectable job! And get the hell out of my gosh dern basement!

I Can Hardly See The Beautiful Brazilian Beach Through All These Dead Cows

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Earlier this month, a ship heading to Venezuela sank at the river port of Vila do Conde in the Amazon region of northern Brazil.

Shipwrecks are always tragic, but what made this one unique was the ship’s cargo: 4,900 live cows. The animals, which belonged to the Brazilian beef company Minerva Foods, were headed to Venezuela. (This isn’t Minerva Foods’ first ship accident involving cows—another one happened in 2012.) The vast majority—around 4,400 animals—drowned inside the ship. Of the approximately 500 animals that managed to leave the vessel, only 100 survived. Hundreds of carcasses were carried by the current to local beaches. Local families loaded some onto trucks to take home and use for meat, but the remainder rotted in endless rows of bodies on the sand.

Sure, here in America we have to fill out our hot dog quotas with human meat. While in Brazil they have a whole beach of delicious cow meat they’re hardly touching!!!

Grocery Store Trampling All Over Teenagers’ Constitutional Rights

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Oooooooh! You’ve won this round, grocery store! But you are far away from winning the war. I’m just gonna take this family pack of toilet paper and be on my way… what? I can’t? Why? I think there are some sanitary issues that you’re ignoring.

“Psst! Buddy! Psssssst! Look mate, I need some eggs in a bad way, but they won’t sell them to me. How bout I give you this ten dollar bill and you pick me up some of that sweet white, and you can go ahead and keep the change… buddy? buddy?”

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Hot Dogs Are People… They’re People!!!

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So, yep, science says that Hot dogs are people and Veggie dogs are hot dogs. But my question is are we really surprised that hot dogs contain traces of people? We shouldn’t be. BTW, you ‘member that scene in “The Naked Gun” where that guy falls into the vat of hot dog mixens and then everybody at the ballpark was finding fingers in their dogs and whatnot? That was awesome… and true.

So if this disturbs you, here’s what you do. If you want a hot dog eat a veggie dog, and if you want a veggie dog, get some of that asparagus water that Trader Joe’s was trying to rip everybody off with a few months ago.

Hot dogs = Solved!

Hobby Lobby’s All Sorts of WTF

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In 2011, a shipment of somewhere between 200 to 300 small clay tablets on their way to Oklahoma City from Israel was seized by U.S. Customs agents in Memphis. The tablets were inscribed in cuneiform—the script of ancient Assyria and Babylonia, present-day Iraq—and were thousands of years old. Their destination was the compound of the Hobby Lobby corporation, which became famous last year for winning a landmark Supreme Court case on religious freedom and government mandates. A senior law enforcement source with extensive knowledge of antiquities smuggling confirmed that these ancient artifacts had been purchased and were being imported by the deeply-religious owners of the crafting giant, the Green family of Oklahoma City. For the last four years, law enforcement sources tell The Daily Beast, the Greens have been under federal investigation for the illicit importation of cultural heritage from Iraq.

These tablets, like the other 40,000 or so ancient artifacts owned by the Green family, were destined for the Museum of the Bible, the giant new museum funded by the Greens, slated to open in Washington, D.C., in 2017. Both the seizure of the cuneiform tablets and the subsequent federal investigation were confirmed to us by Cary Summers, the president of the Museum of the Bible.

I just want to say, this is the most boring “scandal” I’ve ever heard about. A bible museum, why not just do double church on Sundays for Krike’s sake! I miss the old God crazy Hobby Lobby who wanted to destroy all their workers’ birth control in front of them. This is dullsville compared to that.

Also, I still find all this Hobby Lobby religious bullshit hilarious, especially the fact that they got a shit-ton of people talking nonstop about some fucking hobbyist shop!

Shirtless Eagles Fan Is Cooking On Another Planet

And now for our intellectual moment:

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Before you dismiss him, remember that the Eagles did route the Giants 27-7, so maybe he’s got powers we can’t even fathom. And his lady parts smelling abilities are top notch, no? How’d he smell that from so far away? He’s like an X-man of that particular power.

 

South Carolina Sheriff Beats HS Student Like It’s His Job. Which It Clearly Isn’t

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So yeah, fuck this guy. But still they have this video and brother here wasn’t even suspended. He was put on “administrative duty.” Which means hang back bro while we sweep this under the rug.

And how bout the cajones on the kid who caught this with his/her camera. Shit, I see a cop who in his spare time is a “power lifter” roughing up one of my mates, I ain’t doing shit that would put me on the receiving end of that. Not to mention that it appears to be a primarily black school, so he’s probably just waiting for an excuse.

And this guy has supposedly done this a ton of times before. Everybody’s all casual like, yeah he does this all the time, this just happens to be the first time it was caught on video and shit… what the fuck?

C’mon, Florida! I Can’t Turn My Back For Two Seconds!!!

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This freaking guy recently attacked a karaoke DJ for not: “pumping up the volume on his microphone.”

C’mon, brother! What kind of behavior is this. I mean just by looking at you I can already tell that you ain’t doing jack shit with “Holy Grail” by Jay Z and J Timbers. You ain’t blowing anybody’s mind with anything you do ever, so just sit in the corner with your back to us and shut the fuck up!

Florida, jeez! You’re lucky I won’t step foot in your state or I’d have knocked you out for messing with a professional who was minding his business, doing his job, and trying to bring a bit of happiness to some people’s lives.

We Need To Talk About Florida

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Today in, extremely gross news… a Florida show horse was stolen from its stable on Sunday and butchered for meat by some yet unknown Florida syndicate. And this syndicate isn’t just stopping at horses they have made a pattern of stealing various animals and chopping them up finely and professionally, and not even bothering  to hide the bodies from the horrified owners.

Aye, and it’s mostly horses, but it also involves various other livestock throughout the entire state. It’s becoming an epidemic. And to think, you were avoiding Florida for other reasons, well here’s another log on that old fire.

Robin Thicke Admits To ALWAYS Being High And Drunk

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Hey, remember Robin Thicke? ‘Member that video with all the naked girls before the censors came in and made them not so naked?

Anyway, the man – who’s life destroyed itself in just a few months following his success – has admitted to being both drunk and high during every interview in 2013 and pretty much the entirety of that year.

Some of you may think that he’s trying to find a scapegoat for his bad behavior during that period, I on the other hand, see it as his Incredible Hulk reveal from “The Avengers” where he admits that he is ALWAYS ANGRY!

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U of Miami Coach Rightfully Fired After 58-0 Debacle

FILE - In this Oct. 6, 2012, file photo, Miami head coach Al Golden appears during the first half of an NCAA college football game against Notre Dame at Soldier Field in Chicago. Golden's crisp white dress shirt and a sharp orange tie make him arguably the best dressed coach in the college game. He played for the late Joe Paterno at Penn State, himself one of the last throwbacks to the jacket-and-tie set. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast, File)

Al Golden was sitting atop the world, until this Saturday when he invited Clemson into the Gardens. Afterwards, when all the dust had settled, he found himself without a job, and sore from every open orifice.

Now normally I’m the type to stick with a coach despite a bad game or two…

Who the fuck am I kidding, I’m from Buffalo. I want Rex Ryan fired, yesterday! I mean seriously, did you see that Jaguars game! Fuck!!!

Richard Sherman Talks A Whole Bunch Of Poop About The NFL, Because He Feels He Can

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Nothing like ol’ Richard Sherman to point out the obvious.

Recently he had the revelation that maybe the NFL was more concerned about the bottom line than they are about the well-beings of their players.

You think, Richard? That’s tantamount to saying that the Apple company wants to sell a few iDevices!

All I have to say is, tread lightly Rick. Sure, right now you’re at the top of your game, so you can basically say what you want without fear of too much penalty. But once you start slipping, you’ll see the reality of the sharp claws that this mega-corporation is capable of…

More Bad News For Buffalo: Percy Harvin – Disappears?

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Not only is he probably going to retire because he has the hips of a fifteen-year-old Labrador Retriever, he is also a “missing person” and his entire team doesn’t know where the fuck he is!

He didn’t go to London, like he said that he would regardless, and now nobody in the entire organization knows his whereabouts.

What the hell, Buffalo Bills? How could you lose one of your better play makers? Literally, how the hell did you lose him? He’s got really bad hips and can’t run very fast. You could’ve had an eighty-year-old man keep an eye on him all week and still had his location locked down.

You’re a loser, Rex! (Yep, this one’s on you too.)

The Less Said About The Bills, The Better (In London, On Yahoo)

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At the beginning of the season, BuffaloGreg wasn’t sure of much. He had no idea if Rex would be able to lead properly or if he’d be the same dead fish that he was for the Jets. He wasn’t sure if Tyrod Taylor would be a bust or not, but he was thankful that Matt Cassel was on the roster so that imbecile EJ Manuel would never get a single touch all season. Hell, he didn’t even know if a single player on the 53 man roster WOULDN’T be injured – after all the Bills are a team famous for having absolutely no depth beyond their immediate starters.

The only thing that BuffaloGreg was sure of was that the Buffalo Bills would beat the Jacksonville Jaguars in London. Because what kind of group of assholes would loss a game to those losers?

Piss Off, Forbes… Telling Me That Warren Buffett’s Having A Bad Week

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Anybody here read Forbes magazine? Of course not, because it’s a garbage rag, for garbage people. They’re trying to tell me that Warren Buffett is having a bad week because his stocks ate shit on Wall Street.

Warren Fucking Buffett!!! The man’s net worth is 66.7 BILLION dollars. The man couldn’t have a “bad week” if his arm got sawed off by one prostitute while the other slammed the heel of her stiletto into his eye over and over again. Because the bloke would still go home to his money bin filled with 66.7 BILLION dollars, and a new arm and eye would be a text away. Or whatever method somebody with 66.7 billy would use to order body parts online.

Community Is Officially Over After Losing Yahoo Over $42 Million

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So… that experiment failed. It’s official, people don’t want to watch sitcoms that they kinda liked from NBC, on Yahoo!

Truth be told, people don’t want to do much of anything on Yahoo!, because let’s be real, it’s shit. Better luck next time, Yahoo! If there is a next time…

Bill Murray’s New Movie; Have We Reached The Bill Murray Threshold Yet?

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Even since his cameo in 2009’s “Zombieland”, Bill Murray has been making a pretty good living on playing Bill Murray in movies. And “Rock The Kasbah” is looking to be the most Bill Murryest, Bill Murray movie of the past six years.

So, even though I’m personally a huge Bill fan, this begs the question: have we had enough of Bill Murray movies for the sole purpose of showing off Bill Murray? Stay tuned…

Tracy Morgan Hits Up A Comeback Tour

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Classic Tracy. He gets hit by a truck and now he’s going on a multi-state (and province) tour in 2016! And he’s coming to the casino that is like fifteen minutes from my home… still probably not going to go, but I think the entire situation is fantastic.

“Clock Boy” Meets With President Obama

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You probably remember this kid who brought a homemade clock to school and then was immediately expelled and dragged through the mud because everybody in the school lost their heads and thought it might be a bomb.

Well, I suppose the jokes on them now, because this go-getter recovered and now he’s meeting the President of the Unit…

WAIT! WHAT’S THAT ON HIS WRIST? GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT, GET DOWN!!!

Mike Ditka Farts On Monday Night Countdown

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I listen to NFL commentators and you most likely listen to NFL commentators, and I think it’s pretty much a consensus that they are slaves to the leagues and networks and won’t say anything controversial. No, scratch that. They actually won’t even say anything that could even in the slightest bit be considered controversial, to the point where they can’t even pick a winner in a game they’re commentating about. They have to emphasis how both teams have a shot and are good.

That being said, this is probably the most insightful Ditka’s been in years.

Check Out This Old Welsh Biddy Nearly Face Plant Her Car, But Miraculously She Didn’t

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Those little shit cars are probably going to flip on a dime anyway, so lady, please don’t quicker the matter by driving off a small, well placed, cliff.

And gas station… is there anyway you could’ve designed your on-hill station without risking drivers flipping over a tiny cliff? Like, I dunno, staggering the cement so it goes up in a hill-like fashion.

I mean, Wales is basically all hills, this had to have come up in most urban development at one time or another.

Enough Star Wars 7 Trailers, Put Out The Damn Movie Already! Anyway, Here’s The Trailer

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Seriously, I’m not a big Star Wars fan at all, but I’m still gonna see the movie ’cause everybody else is. But if they have all of this ready why can’t they just put out the movie tomorrow. I don’t know why Christmas season is a good time to put out a film anyway. I’m not going to go to the mall in December, there’s too many people.  Oh yeah, and most of the movie theaters are in and/or around the malls.

And The New Canadian PM Is: Justin Trudeau

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Alright you’re done, Canada, you’re done. I’m from Buffalo goddamned, NY, and I find myself in Canada all the damn time. And the thing they always say to me, whenever they hear me talking properly an realize that I’m American. They say that we have dynasties over here because half of our presidents are named Bush or Adams or Clinton, or whatever.

But now you’re busted our tame neighbor to the north. It’s funny Justin Trudeau, you sound similar to Canadian Prime Minister from the 80’s. And low and behold I come to find out that Justin is that man’s son! So take that, Canada, you do the same thing we do. We’re the same, you and us, Canada, we’re the same!

Michigan Punter Receives Threats. Quite A Few, Actually

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And true, it’s not surprising. But c’mon, the kids not making any money and he’s going though that strange time in his life where everything feels weird and he wants to rub against everything all the time.

So cut the kid some slack, it’s not like the Michigan Wolverines were gonna do anything fantastic this year anyway. This punter was just jumping ahead of the inevitable. It’s fucking Michigan for christssake!

DraftKing’s CEO Admits Their Service Is Gambling, Because That’s Exactly What It Is

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And the “No Shit!” Award goes to the DraftKings CEO for finally admitting what the rest of America already knew. If you throw down money on something and expect to win more money for performing well and to lose money for performing poorly, then you’ve got yourself some gambling, end of story.

So what if you claim you can get an “edge.” A bunch of burnt out pieces of shit claim they have an edge at blackjack all the time. Visit literally ANY casino.

EJ Manuel Does It Again!

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I would highly recommend that anybody who has EJ Manuel as their starting fantasy QB to bench him. Is what nobody would say ever because EJ is a simply dreadful football player. He can’t throw a ball properly and he can’t scan the field. That’s two of the main things a QB needs to do.

I don’t know why anybody could ever think otherwise considering his “performances” over the past few seasons. But for some reason people in Buffalo were actually talking up this clown before he completely embarrassed himself against the Bengals.

I mean, we probably weren’t going to win anyway, but with this guy behind the center our odds quickly dropped down to ZERO!

NFL Network Films a Few Dicks and Asses in Post-game Interview

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There wasn’t much good about the recent Bills loss to Cincinnati this Sunday, except this surprisingly inept post-game interview by the one and only NFL network.

They’re freakin’ talking to Adam Jones about the game and he’s all serious and thinking about his answers; meanwhile half his team is bare-ass naked walking around behind him, and the cameraman is completely oblivious.

And what the hell? Why was there so much in the shot over Jones’ shoulder? Who films like that? If you would’ve panned on the player’s face (like you’re supposed to do), no of this would’ve happened. What is going on in life?

O.K. Corral Actor Shot With Real Bullets

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Not a whole lot to say here, b/c I’m not gonna get all bleedin’ hearted about guns and whatnot. But the most notable thing about this was that they guy nearly got it in the dick. The bullet stuck him in the “upper groin,” which in laymen terms means an inch or two higher than his reproductive meat.

Also, there was no way this guy couldn’t alerted anyone that he really got shot until after all the shooting was done. Because he was supposed to act like he got shot. And his fellow actors probably thought that his grabbing around the dick was just some unnecessary grandstanding.