Towson University Diving Coach: After Dark

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Chances are that if you’re not from the greater Baltimore area, you’ve probably never heard of Towson University. Nor should you have.

The only reason a smaller University like this would ever be mentioned is if the diving coach happened to allegedly film a bunch of the female swimmers with all their clothes off in the locker room.

And that’s exactly what happened in Towson Maryland recently. The only twist: it was a female diving coach. How ’bout that! Eh? Eh? Chew that over for a bit.

The coach was suspended, pending a full investigation.

Manziel Parties Heartily During His Bye Week

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Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel allegedly partied his face off during his bye week… Wait… wait, wait,wait. If I’m not mistaken, isn’t every week technically this guy’s bye week? I mean, we’ve all seen his games, right?

Bernie Sanders and Killer Mike in: Road to Washington

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Two things:

  1. This is clearly a publicity stunt with the purpose of getting the American public interested in seeing two unlike things together. And look it worked, because I’m talking about it despite having figured out what Bernie’s people are up to.
  2. Bernie laid it on even thicker by picking soul food for their pow wow. We all know he wanted to go to deli. Well you know what, Bern? If you’re serious about becoming president, you can’t simply go to deli any time you want to.

And Andy Serkis Grows More Tiring

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This freaking guy. You know he plays a whole bunch of CGI characters because apparently nobody else could figure out how to walk around with fucking dots on his/her face…

Anyway he wants you to send him a bunch of videos of you walking around doing your best ape impression. And maybe* (*see: this is definitely not going to happen) you’ll become an extra in the next Apes movie.

Mr. Serkis, you will not make a monkey out of me, I say! Also, that seems like a lot of work for very little reward. Also, what do you think Andy Serkis is going to do with a bunch of videos of guys walking on all fours and scratching themselves? I don’t think I want to know.

The Best Website You’re Not Looking At

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Tylervigen.com is a website that displays graphs of two unlike things to show how they correlate for no particular reason. Also, it looks like the site is never updated, so the few graphs that are on the site are all that there’s ever going to be.

This folks, is why the internet was invented. End of discussion.

Carson Palmer’s Junk Penalized

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That’s obscene Carson!

No… no… it really isn’t. And the fine was a little excessive. Let’s get that straight from the get go.

However, don’t be a bunch of clueless assholes, Cardinal fans. The fine was just over $11,500. So, why the fuck are you (the fans of a football team) raising money to pay the fine for him? Brother can afford it and the NFL has already taken all the money from your poor asses. Wake the fuck up and let this millionaire pay his own $11,000 that he can easily afford!!! Even thought the fine was bs in and of itself… but still!

David Bowie Gives Us Some Blackstar

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And just like that, ladies and gentlemen, weird Bowie (also known as classic Bowie) makes a triumphant return!

Brother’s been slacking since the early days of “Ziggy Stardust,” “Space Oddity,” and I dunno… “Suffragette City?”

Then he had a few light resurgences in the 80’s with “Ashes to Ashes”… hmm… you wanna listen to that real quick? ‘Cause I do.

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Anyway… anyway… where was I? Oh yes, he had some resurgences back in the early 80’s with some experimental music like he had in the mid to late 70’s. And then he got sort of poppy vanilla-y in the mid 80’s… but then he blew us all away with his codpiece wearing hero Jareth the Goblin King in “Labyrinth” which was pretty hard core for a Jim Henson joint.

After that it was a solid number of years in a row where he wasn’t giving us much. Even though he’d show up in a movie or two dressed up as Nikolai Tesla and give us all some of those old fashioned epic vibes that we once associated with Mr. Bowie… and other than that he kinda disappeared… sans an occasional Trent Reznor duet or a cameo on “Extras” where he would sing about how fat and undesirable Ricky Gervais is.

For the most part, though, he was hanging in some ivory tower in the sky apart from all us peasants with his model wife Iman and occasional visits from Mick Jagger and perhaps that toddler, Toby, from Labyrinth all grown up.

So, suffice it to say, I came into his new song Blackstar (and the rest of the album which I haven’t ventured into yet) kind of hoping to hate the thing. And for the first minute or two I did, and all seemed good in the world. Then after the first listen I kind of liked it, and then after the next 10-20 listens it really started to take off.

So anyway, that’s my story. Listen to it yourself… see what you think. I don’t care…

Bryce Harper Can’t Keep Up With “Kids These Days.”

Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper takes a photo of himself with a cell phone tossed to him by fan Jamie Roach, Tuesday, June 2, 2015, at Nationals Park in Washington. Roach noticed Harper gesturing for her picture-taking cell phone before the second game of the Nationals' doubleheader against the Toronto Blue Jays. Roach tossed the phone and Harper made the catch. Then he made Roach's day and then some by snapping a wide-eyed, silly face picture of himself. (Bryce Harper via AP)

And so I must momentarily break my promise never to talk about baseball ever. Because Bryce Harper had to go and call Memes, (you know those internet pictures with the words across them) May-may’s in a recent SportsCenter interview with Scott Van Pelt.

I mean, c’mon, Bryce. You’re on the pulse of what’s cool and hip. Chrissakes, you play for the Washington Nationals in the Major League Baseball, United States baseball league. What are you doing to yourself, man? This is gonna be a hard hole to climb yourself out of.

National Institutes of Health Retires Over 300 Lab Chimps

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Now we’re talking. Get some, NIH!

Two years after retiring most of its research chimpanzees, the US National Institutes of Health (NIH) is ceasing its chimp programme altogether, Nature has learned.

In a 16 November e-mail to the agency’s administrators, NIH director Francis Collins announced that the 50 NIH-owned animals that remain available for research will be sent to sanctuaries. The agency will also develop a plan for phasing out NIH support for the remaining chimps that are supported by, but not owned by, the NIH.

“I think this is the natural next step of what has been a very thoughtful five-year process of trying to come to terms with the benefits and risks of trying to perform research with these very special animals,” Collins said in an interview with Nature. “We reached a point where in that five years the need for research has essentially shrunk to zero. “

Although, in the end, I have to stress that I’ve seen this movie play out. They say the chimps get to retire and will no longer be tested upon… but how can one expect an institution like this to send nearly 350 chimps to the tropical island of their choice?

I sense something a bit more sinister at work here.

Run, chimps, run!!! Their not going to let you retire soundly at all. It’s a trap! It’s a traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!

Science is evil, folks. Super villain level evil, if the books I’ve perused on this subject are any sort of indicator. Don’t like it, write your congressman, b/c it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

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Jenny McCarthy Continues To Be Outta Her Mind

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C’mon, Jenny! First you’re telling everybody to suicide their damn kids with measles and whooping cough and shit. And now you’re worried that you’re going to get the Hiv from kissing Charlie Sheen on the mouth. (No really, that’s what she actually said, no joshing).

I don’t know what to do with you McCarthy… I mean you were a Playboy model, like 20 years ago, shouldn’t you have fallen into obscurity around 18 years ago. Like the Barbie twins or those other two Girls Next Door that aren’t Kendra?

E! Cancels “The Soup” Because…

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Wait… what? E!’s still a channel? I thought Joel McHale left “The Soup” for “Community” back in 2009. What kind of shit are they still showing on E!? Anybody?

NFL is Having a Run on QB’s

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First Manning and now Rodgers. A lot of what the old football league has depended upon is going up in smoke fast. Looks like that group of rich assholes might have to think of a plan B, b/c shit hasn’t gotten any more exciting since the concussion debacle, yet the prices just keep going up and up.

And now it looks like at least two 9-7 teams are wrapping up a playoff berth this year. Hang in there, hockey, they’ll come all come back to you soon…

All You “Foodies” Are Doing It Wrong If You’re Not HIGH AS FUCK!!!

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A team of European neuroscientists at the University of Bordeaux proved that THC – the primary psychoactive ingredient in marijuana – fits into special receptors in the brain’s olfactory bulb, which allows users to smell and taste food way more intensely while high.

That’s right, if you’re not stoned food and drink are never going to taste as good to you! And that’s a SCIENCE FACT!!!

 

The NFL Are Dicks To The Colorblind

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So here’s the beautiful tableau most NFL viewers got last night, despite the shittiness of both teams going out of their way to try and hand the game over to the other squad.

That was most people; however, for any colorblind NFL fans who happened to tune in last night, the game looked more like this:

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Texas A&M Sues Indianapolis Colts Over “12th Man” Insignia

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Figured I’d talk some football since the Bills managed to take out the Jets last night, even though they played like a team full of amputees and spastics. No… no… I’m sorry that’s a bit insulting to amputees and spastics, I apologize…

But look what’s happening elsewhere:

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Texas A&M University filed suit today against the Indianapolis Colts in a Houston court over its 12th Man trademark rights.

Texas A&M University President Michael K. Young said via a release, “Texas A&M University is the Home of the 12th Man which has brought our fan base national renown. We would prefer not to file lawsuits to protect our trademarks. However, when our intellectual property, especially the 12th Man mark which is so important to our students and former students, is used without our permission after repeated attempts to engage on the matter, we are left with no choice.”

Normally I’d go against Texas for the sole purpose that it is Texas… but c’mon Indy it’s their intellectual property… which means if you want to use it, you pay. So pay up or cease and desist… that’s it.

Dudes, you’re 4-5 in the AFC’s weakest division… play football… try to do better.

Hey, Remember When SeaWorld Said They Were Ending Their Killer Whale Shows? Yeah… About That…

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It turns out… I said, it turns out, that that was all one big smokescreen.

In reality, SeaWorld San Diego only plans to end the most noticeable orca shows, while little some of the others go on business as usual style. And as far as their parks in Texas and Florida, those parks and going to keep all their killer whale shows and won’t be changing a thing. So… that’s happening.

Geez, who’d a thunk that one little documentary would explode all over SeaWorld’s face after decades of swimming under the radar? Who watches documentaries anyway?

Man Apologizes For Trying To Kill His Wife On 3 Separate Occasions

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uhhhh… sorry?

A Tennessee man apologized to his wife during a court appearance after he pleaded guilty for trying to have her killed — three times.

Fred Wortman — who admitted to attempting to poison his wife’s toothpaste, then trying to hire a hitman, and later asking an inmate to do the job — told his wife and three kids on Tuesday he was sorry for the failed murder attempts, reports said.

“I do apologize to [my wife] Staci, the Jones, my parents, my family, most of all I apologize to my three precious children,” Wortman said, according to Action 5 News in Tennessee.

C’mon mate, fool me once… etc. etc. But three different times? There’s no way you can possibly sorry, not that a sociopath can truly be sorry in the first place.

Then again, you should really be sorry that you suck so bad at murder! C’mon three times… some of the world’s biggest dolts have been able to murder successfully on the first go, and they didn’t even have the advantage of living with their intended target.

And way to use the worst possible method:

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C’mon, man, nobody’s ever going to fall for that one!!!

This Ad Was Banned, Because “Think of the Children”, et. al.

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It’s a shame too. “Taste That Bush” was on track to be the next “Where’s The Beef.” Oh, what could have been…

Sign of the Apocalypse #21: The Bengals Are Actually Good

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Out Apocalypse watching, as I often do, I’m concerned that the Bengals seem to holding strong now that we’re over halfway into the NFL season.

Most years they start out with some fire, but then proceed to peter out before anything really important happens. Also known as that time of year where Cris Collinsworth seems a little more sad than he already is.

But, checking the barometric pressure as on now, it doesn’t appear as if the boys form Cinci are going away anytime soon. I’ll keep on this story and will be sure to let you all know when we should actually start to panic… stay tuned…

How ‘Bout That Wal*Mart Confederate Bomb Guy?

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Wal*Mart took away his stars and bars, but this citizen wasn’t going to the action of those corporate stooges lightly. For when his local Mississippi Wally-land stopped selling his flag of choice he didn’t get mad, he got bomb-y.

Well, it wasn’t a bomb bomb, with explosions and all that. But it sure scared the piss out of half the store considering the loud sounds and smoke it produced. Nobody was injured, it did very little damage, and he even told an employee to run before he threw it inside… but his point was made.

Which was… what again?

Congratulations, Heroin!

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Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve done it!

It took a few years, but heroin has once again surpassed meth as our nation’s number one drug threat.

Meth was a nice flash in the pan hero (or heroine, if you will), with it’s fancy TV shows and subculture. But it was just a matter of time until they all came back to old reliable.

Ol’ horse was never worried, sure the newfangled highs are going to come around every few years and put sheeple into a tizzy. But they always come back to the grand lady that brought ’em all to the party in the first place.

Heroin, it’s America as the blues.

Happy Trails, Leatherface

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Gunnar Hansen has died at the age of 68, bringing that feeling of Halloween into November. I still have like 12 horror movies in my queue.

Just to be clear, this is the guy from the original movie, which was actually pretty good. Not any of those terrible sequels or the handful of remakes that are now a thing.

So, kudos to you, Gunnar. You ran around for a couple of weeks with the majority of your face covered to make a film that had the shoestringest of shoestring budgets. And when you came out the other side you’ve created something people will enjoy for years to come.

Cheers!

Most Ridiculous Ref Call Ever

 

Referee Jeff Triplette makes a call during the first half of an NFL football game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Arizona Cardinals in Jacksonville, Fla., Sunday, Nov. 17, 2013.(AP Photo/Stephen Morton) ORG XMIT: JVS

A referee stopped action during Tuesday night’s Central Michigan-Toledo game because cheerleaders and band members were too loud when the Rockets were trying to snap the ball on a 4th down play. Seriously.

 The referee claimed the CMU cheerers were trying to hinder Toledo’s snap count and ordered that the teams replay the down. The ridiculous call got the attention of fans at the game, who then made so much noise that Toledo kicker Jameson Vest missed a 33-yard field goal.

The Rockets won the game anyway, 28-23.

Yes, this was college, actually college football, and this happened. Well not real, real, college but close enough.

Here Is A Picture Of Mike Tyson Getting Ice Cream To Get You Through The Day

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That’s right, fucking Mike Tyson loves him some sprinkles! You go make fun of that if you dare!

Another Republican Debate Because That’s Exactly What We Need

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They literally just had one a few days ago, and now the next one is slated for November 10! What is going on? How can you expect new material when you don’t even get them 2 whole weeks to breathe?

Besides, who thought it was a good idea to give the Republicans 56 debates between now and election day, over a year from now? Think about it guys. The more debates you have the more chance of potential voters actually hearing what you have to say. And you certainly don’t want that!

Rochester, NY Affiliate Cuts To Local News During 14th Inning of World Series

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Buffalo’s upstate pal, Rochester NY’s news accidentally cut from the middle of the 14th inning of the World Series, to their own local news. (Basically a bunch of clips of local soccer star and hometown hero, Andy Wambach).

Sorry, folks.

Sorry, folks.

The way I see it though, is: C’mon, baseball! We had a deal. We’d let you be excruciatingly boring for a few weeks in October/November, but you have to cut off your dullsville crap after 9 innings.

Nine innings! Why you gotta subject me to anything more? I just wanna see my lucky lotto numbers.

Fourteen innings… ridiculous!