Bernie Sander’s 1987 Spoken Word Album, Check It Out!

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Bernie has been rocking nigh 30 years, and like a fine wine he improves with age.

Here’s just a sampling of his spoken word album he recorded in 1987 with a bunch of other Vermont artists who weren’t Bernie Sanders.

If this guy doesn’t become our next president, I’m moving to Brazil, swear to God!

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Check Out This Guy Who Ate 17 Big Macs, And Then Proceeded To Hate His Life

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I don’t know why I’m obsessed with idiots trying to eat a whole bunch of food in a very short amount of time, but I am.

This guy attempted 25 Big Macs in an hour, wound up with just over 17, and then wanted to end his life. And the special sauce, onions, cheese, pickles, and lettuce wound up all over his beard and it was pathetic, and I pitied the guy.

Welp, I’ll be back when some guy attempts 30 Quarter Pounders.

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You’re Doing It Wrong, Toledo Ohio. You’re Doing It All Wrong.

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So this giant red ball is supposed to be art or something. Probably an artist’s interpretation symbolizing how shitty it is to live in Toledo, Ohio. And then it rolls away, because even a inanimate red ball doesn’t want to live in Toledo, Ohio.

And some idiot had the grand idea to make the thing 250 pounds so nobody is able to roll the bastard uphill, and that’s were we leave you Toledo, because nobody bothered to follow up on this story.

I’ve got two words: Holy Toledo! Yeah, remember that expression, it’s like old, from WWII or something, named after a battleship or whatever. Anyway, that’s all.

 

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You Don’t Know Me At All, YouTube!

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So, the worst thing in life, has to be the “YouTube Recommends for You” feature. It’s composed of blatant attempts by YouTube to get me to watch what everybody else is watching, so they will always know what is “in.” It’s a scam people.

Also, they’re the worst grammarists in the business. Today they recommended “Animated Cartoons” for me.

The hell, YouTube? What’s a cartoon if it’s not animated. They’re fucking synonyms, you dicks! Leave me alone, YouTube. And stop using my Google searches for your suggestions. Just because I Google “strange discharge” doesn’t mean I wanna watch a video about it.

Besides, I was looking up “strange discharge” for a friend… (whistles ¬†nonchalantly, and slowly backs away).

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Chris Carter Apologizes, Because Chris Carter is a Team Player.

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Okay, so we’re going to have some differences of opinion here. Carter recently apologized for on air comments saying that upcoming NFL rookies should consider finding a “fall guy” in case they find themselves in legal trouble.

I understand why he did it (because he’s not allergic to money), but really that comment was probably the only piece of useful information that will be uttered during the entirety of preseason football.

Do you’all know how dull preseason is, especially on the commentary side? Dreadfully so, that’s how much. They’ll spit meaningless stats and try to predict the unpredictable, and unless something is blatantly obvious, they’ll try to steer clear of it. Because apparently it’s taboo for a football “analyst” to be wrong.

So, whatever a few more bland weeks of this. Real games will start soon enough.

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Morrissey Forcing His First Novel Upon His Unsuspecting Fans

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Lunatic Vegan and all around condescending tosser, Steven Morrissey (Who back in the day put out some solid music), has decided to turn his talents to novel writing after the recent success of his autobiography.

Now, I haven’t read the book yet, but I’ve come prepared with a review anyway:¬†While made up of decent prose especially for a first time author, his [Morrissey’s] novel is too preachy and about topics that the average non-megalomaniac would have trouble relating too. All in all, it feels as if he needs to return to his roots and go back to what brought him to prominence in the first place. Overall 2.5 stars out of a possible 10.

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Ninjitsu Store Robber Scared of by Clerk With Bigger Sword

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It’s an adage as old as time. I believe from Confucius: “If you wanna rob a store make sure your sword is larger than the clerk’s! It’s common goddamned sense, people!”

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Stephen Colbert Began Life in a Rolling Stones Cover Bad

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So there you have it folks, a Rolling Stones cover band of all things is where this particular comic genius traces his humble beginnings to. Any port in a storm.

Not too bad though, if that’s your sort of thing. I personally wouldn’t even get excited about the Rolling Stones, but I digress.

Plus this is nothing as far as embarrassment level, compared to Ricky Gervais’s shitty 80’s band Seona Dancing.

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Although he did pay for the entire music video for around 300 pound, I’m told. That’s pretty fucking rock n’ roll!

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Big Bird, You Sell Out Bastard!

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“One thing that you can’t control is you never know. You never know. You want to put yourself in the position where you feel that it’s the best opportunity. But saying I can win a Daytime Emmy next year or saying I can win it a year after, those are things that you don’t know until you go out there and actually play the game.

“But you have to put yourself in the right position to be able to compete and also accomplish the goals that you set out for.

“I think the major factor and the major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also.

“And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a baby chick or even in flight school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help the people in my neighborhood get better and just wanting to win. And I’ve done some great things in my forty-seven years on the air, and I want to continue to do that.

“In this fall, this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to take my talents to Premium Cable and join the HBO!”

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The Continuing Strange Career Path of Selena Gomez Continues

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You’re all over the place, Gomey! First you’re a Disney girl, fine, fine, most of us begin our careers like that, nothing unusual.

Then you have that long drawn out relationship with the Beebs, and it’s kinda embarrassing the way he strings you along like an accessory.

Then you, barrage us all with a slew of bubblegum pop hits, some of which are kinda rapey, but not.

And now this? Are you trying to be hard? Ariana Grande? Or, some sort of depressed middle-aged housewife, who’s embracing her Hispanic heritage for the first time in her career?

You’re an odd duck, Selena. Keep it up!

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