Why The Fuck Am I Still In Boston This Winter???

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So if you have been reading the old Bostondrunks site over the last few years. You know that your boy Muff spends his winters down in Key West. This year however, it seems that winter has snuck up on me and now it’s fucking January and my sexy fat ass is still in Boston. How the fuck did this happen??

I should be hanging out on Duval with Cigar Ricky and Vacation Vinny, we should be dancing with drunk chicks at the naked bar, I should be eating Cuban sandwiches and Cuban women.

Instead I am about to get on a bus to take me to the Red Line. Yea, I fucked up this winter! This is what happens when you lose all your money to a Canadian can’t miss oil stock.

This Damn McDonald’s App Is Gonna Make Me 500 Pounds Of Pure Sexy

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Fucking McDonald’s and their app. Seriously, how much free food can you give me? I know one Big Mac is not enough, so you give me buy one get one free coupons via your magical app. Your a sick clown though cause they expire weekly, so I have to go at least 3 or 4 times a week. Do you want me to be 500 pounds? Do you want me to get nervous looks from people who have an empty seat next to them on a plane? Will I ever ride a roller coaster again?

Nope, and it all because you had to make our app so fucking awesome.

And you make me buy 2 items now in your McPick 2! Some one back up the diabetes truck and hoist me inside. Woo woo woo!

I Think I Got Rid Of The Pop Ups!

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So Muff did it again! I think I finally defeated my demons. I am like Jake The Snake Roberts without all the dirty sex and gout. I have finally gotten rid of all the pop ups on BostonDrunks! Of course that also means that we have no revenue stream coming in but hey, who needs all that “grow your cock longer” money.

So I guess now that we have fixed the back end of the site for now, maybe we can get back to doing some content once in a while. Hell maybe we can start to hire some writers again. Hell maybe we can even go back to the days when we were pulling down millions of pageviews.

Then again, I’m sure in a week you will just come here and find a “local girl who wants to fuck!”

PS- back in the saddle!

Yep, This Pretty Much Sums Up NYC.

ANUS

And McDonalds for that matter.

Rick and Morty Are Selling Hamburgers

Click here to view the embedded video.

Ah, Karl’s Jr. and Hardees, the franchise so nice, they named it twice. (Why the fuck are they two names btw?). They’ve made the greatest decision of all time bringing Rick and Morty in as their spokesmen.

And look at Morty get all bent out of shape as the burgers ooze their business all over his room. Classic Rick and Morty!

But, this begs the question: How did Rick get out of that maximum security prison hevoluntarily went into in the season finale? How is he now back in Morty’s room with a shitload of hybrid man/hamburger creatures? Also, will Morty ever win? Stay tuned…

Eli Manning + Hearing Impaired Technology = Magic

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Go home, tele-dictator, you’re drunk. That wasn’t even close to anything resembling a cognitive thought. And if you’re implying that Eli Manning is some kind of Penguin fucker… which he may or may not be, I don’t know… that was neither the time nor the place to air the dirty laundry between the two of you.

Professionalism “closed captioning” person, yeeesh!

Jesus, Sinead! It’s Social Media, Not The Suicide Hotline.

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To be clear, I’m not trying to attack the clinically depressed or those having a hard go at it. Depression is the real deal, and people behave irrationally, and even recklessly while depressed and have no way of controlling it.

But when Sinead O’Connor writes a supposed suicide note on social media platforms, you gotta wonder what that’s all about. Depression is a very private dark place, and when one is in that realm, social media tends to be the last place they flock to.

Get help, sister. Your behavior is fucking bringing the rest of us down.

Tesla Motors Want Self-Driving Cars, NOW!!!

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Elon Musk has had it with all the shit, already! First he designs the best looking eco-friendly car in existence. Then he gives the formula away to everybody… EVERYBODY… and no one gives a shit.

Now he’s seeing places like Google and whatnot trying to match the formula of his self-driving car. Which isn’t quite self-driving, self-retaining would be more accurate.

Basically he wants them to try and top him b/c he doesn’t want his bootleg model to be the template like most other Tesla cars. Solely because nobody else in the auto-engineering game gives two shits!

So Musk is forced to do it himself, AGAIN!!! And he isn’t going to rest until driving is a memory. Do it up, Elon!

New Bavarian Police Helmet

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Everybody involved has to know that this is all as ridiculous as it looks. Yes, it’s a new government issue police helmet to better protect the Bavarian police force, and yes it looks kinda like the lower Empire officers from Star Wars. But c’mon everybody in Bavaria has had to have seen Star Wars too, right? They know what they’ve done, they must’ve just been upset b/c nobody has been talking about Bavaria lately.

USPS Sends 7 Pounds Of Marijuana To Arlington Family

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So there’s this story going around the internets that says the USPS ACCIDENTALLY sent an Arlington TX family a seven pound package of weed. And it was discovered early, and a good laugh was had by all.

I’m calling bullshit on this fake story right off the bat b/c I’ve been burned before. And since I can’t find one legitimate news source verifying this story I think I just might be right.

It’s another one of those urban legends, that’s just a little too cute to be real. Whoever made it up tried a little too hard to be clever. Sorry, pass, moving on.

Ice, Coco and Chanel: Who Are These People?

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Ice-T and wife Coco recently had a baby (girl I assume), and they named her Chanel. Because that is a thing that is commonly done, apparently.

Jerry Jones: Was Putting Romo Back In Worth It? Yes, He Says.

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“Jerry Jones is a genius!” Is something nobody has ever said. Unless they were given a shit-ton of money and told to say it while they danced around topless.

But, c’mon, Jer! You like Romo, you really, really do. He is your favorite person ever! Even though he’s only ever won a single playoff game. So why put him in when his collarbone was still questionable?

Well Jerry recently told a local radio station that it was totally worth it… because they still had a slight look at a playoff spot. Because Jerry doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Even though he claims to really, really, really, really like Romo.

He also thought Johnny Manziel would be the best QB of all time, so there’s some food for thought.

Trump Only Wants “Beautiful” Children Riding His Huey

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Trump has a helicopter, everybody. Isn’t that wonderful?

Actually he has a number of helicopters. And also at a recent campaign rally in Florida, he asked for only “beautiful” children to ride in it as guests. Allegedly, I suppose.

So he had nothing to do with the elephant… so far. But this is strange right? An awkward turn of phrase, no?