Eva Green kills it in new ‘300’ film. Allegedly…

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Everybody (meaning movie critics, I guess), are going nuts over Eva’s performance in ‘300: Rise of an Empire.’
I decided not to see the film, but obviously Eva kills it. That’s what this woman does. I’ve been on board with her since ‘Casino Royal’ and those two incest movies she did. (Yes, she’s in two separate movies where incest is a major theme).
She does that spaced out look, and walks around in a non-natural way. It’s brilliant really.

And there's also this, what's she thinking. "Whatchu thinkin' Eva?"

And there’s also this, what’s she thinking. “Whatchu thinkin’ Eva?”

What the hell is wrong with Ken Griffey Jr.?

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This guy used to be extremely normal. Then years and years pass, and this is what comes out the other side. It’s all one word answers that lead to and mean nothing. I know it’s ESPN, but c’mon give us something here Griff.

It’s time to play: ‘Wait, There’s More!’

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Pictured above are 26-year-old Charlene Ellet and her 25-year-old brother Cameron Beck. They were recently arrested outside of a Wal-Mart in their home state of Texas for shoplifting.
WAIT, THERE’S MORE
Upon being apprehended the police found a bunch of crystal meth in both of their pockets.
WAIT, THERE’S MORE
After being booked, the holding cell guard caught the two of them making out inside the cage. They were then charged with incest stuff.
WAIT, THERE’S MORE
After some interrogation, Charlene admitted that she recently started a sexual relationship with her brother. Their first time was in a small motel room where her 2 toddler daughters were sleeping close by.
WAIT, THERE’S MORE
It turns out that Charlene was adopted when she was very young. So it’s kind of an 12th hour ‘Arrested Development’ twist where it turns out they’re not actually related… Nah! It’s still pretty nasty!

‘The Daily Show’ replaces legendary correspondent, John Oliver, with a bland white dude.

Wait, isn't this the bland white dude SNL just hired to do the news?

Wait, isn’t this the bland white dude SNL just hired to do the news?

‘The Daily Show’ recently welcomed new correspondent, Jordan Klepper to the show. And I thought he was a very poor substitute for Mr. Oliver.
But I don’t want to jump to conclusions, it was only one episode. And I never make unfair assumptions about people. But just looking at Jordan Klepper, I can tell that he is definitely a premature ejaculator!

Chicagoland man brings tiger cub into suburban bar.

If he likes your shitty 'Old Style' beer, you should be giving him a medal. What I'm trying to say is, 'Old Style' is the worst beer, and it's not fit for tigers.

If he likes your shitty ‘Old Style’ beer, you should be giving him a medal. What I’m trying to say is, ‘Old Style’ is the worst beer, and it’s not fit for tigers.

Let me put something in perspective. In the city of Chicago and its suburbs it’s completely fine to bring a dog into a bar if they don’t serve food.
But this guy brings in one 5-month-old tiger into a bar and instead of the police agreeing that it was the fucking cutest thing they’ve ever seen, they arrest the poor bastard!
Only in America, am I right?

Sacrilegious! Random artist has ‘Walking Dead’ kill Homer!

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The worst part of all, it still revolves around that goddamned Beth and Daryl episode.
Also, C’mon Daryl, there is no possible way that you could have impaled him and still kept that golf club intact! We have laws of physics to think about here!

The new Wes Anderson movie looks very Wes Anderson-y

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This looks even more Wes Anderson-y than most. At first I was worried because I didn’t see Bill Murray (You can’t make the most Wes Anderson-y, Wes Anderson movie without Bill Murray), but then about 1:50 in, VOILA! Bill Murray!

PeeWee Herman’s bike for sale on Ebay!

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For around $15K you could own a piece of cinematic history. The actual bike used in ‘Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.’
I was thinking about buying it myself, but I got worried that Pee Wee might go on a cross country adventure and wind up stealing it back from me.
And then when a Hollywood movie is finally made about Mr. Herman’s struggle, I’d probably be played by Zach Galifianakis, or some shit!

The literal face of disappointment

The literal face of disappointment

Buff Bagwell is a gigolo now

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Remember Buff? The WWE star with that hat. You know, the one that kinda looked like a gigolo anyway. That’s what he’s up to these days.
I see this as a step down from pro wrestling. But a step up from dying of a steroid induced heart attack. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice…

New Jersey says ‘No’ to soap

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New Jerseyans (or is it New Jereyites) had this Dove ad taken down from billboard heights, because they didn’t like its message.
Not that they object to being called America’s armpit, they’re just not used to being called a body part that is above the taint…

End of an era

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I’m out having a couple dozen drinks on Fat Tuesday. And everything’s going well, when suddenly one of the blokes I was hanging out with said that there were at a minimum 99 things that the Buffalo Sabres were doing wrong this season.
At which point I added: “But a bitch ain’t one.”
The guy looked at me and had no idea what I was talking about!
Yes, most of my other friends understood what I was going for, but it’s an end of an era, because 5 years ago, everybody gets that reference.
What’s next? Will people stop believing that New York is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of?

Some fool sues McDonalds over napkins

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So this is what our world is turning into. Brother gets one measly napkin for his McDonald’s order, annoying yes, I’ve received fewer and it wasn’t my favorite thing… But this jackass is trying to sue for $1.5 Milly!
And why? Why does this stain of a human being think he deserves an assload of cash?: Mental Anguish! That’s right, Mental Motherfucking Anguish!
That’s not even a thing, when it comes to not enough napkins!
Just wipe the shit on your pants, it’ll suck, but you’ll be over in 15-20 minutes.
Judge BuffaloGreg’s ruling: Micky-D’s owes anonymous man $20 to get his pants dry cleaned. And the dude has to sign a hush order and shut the fuck up about this forever!

BuffaloGreg needs some advice

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Shouldn’t it be ‘International Pancake Day?’ It’s IHOP for godsakes, not NHOP!

What’s the best time to go to IHOP’s free pancake day, without having to wait in a line that goes around the block?
Cause I want me some free fluffy, golden hotcakes. But I really don’t want to deal with people…
I’m thinking 3AM, does 3AM sound good to you?

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Creepy ‘Real Barbie’ girl attempts the impossible

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She says that she no longer requires food or water. And plans to survive on light and air alone.
Soooooooooooo,,, Good luck with all of that!

Totally thought real Barbie would have larger chest. No?

Totally thought real Barbie would have larger chest. No?

Google tells me that people who searched for Peyton Manning, also searched for…

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Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Russell Wilson, Archie Manning and…
Philip Seymour Hoffman?
The other four I get, but Hoffman? Then it hit me.
Both Peyton Manning and P.S. Hoffman publicly died on February 2nd.
(Yes, I think the time is right to start making Phil Hoffman jokes).

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Say what you will, brother rocked the beard.

Jessica Alba is probably about to be murdered…

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Some read the headline as: ‘Jessica Alba is addicted to buying things on Craigslist.’
But what it should really say is: ‘Jessica Alba will probably get her head and hands chopped off and buried apart from the rest of her body, after attempting to pick up a cute sofa that was going for soooooo cheap!’

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Very funny, ‘The Guardian!’

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Soon after they called British pimp, Patrick Stewart, gay, ‘The Guardian’ mistook Bradley Cooper’s (lame), Oscar selfie, as one taken by, person the USA felt they needed to make an example of, Bradley Manning.
It was a night they wanted to let loose and enjoy the movies, but the British paper made it about the horrors that U.S. is REALLY capable of.

Seriously, free this poor bastard!

Seriously, free this poor bastard! (Now a woman, but why should that matter?)

Springsteen does Lorde in New Zealand

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It’s in her hometown. And he can do a cover better than any other bloke!
In other words: “Fuck you David Byrne, this is how it’s done!”
He also does a killer Roy Orbison:

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‘The Walking Dead’ wastes time, once again, by doing an entire “Beth” episode.

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Yeah, okay. She’s alright looking. And she’s been on the show for years without really doing anything.
But c’mon, ‘Walking Dead’ creators! You only have so many hours per year. And you’re going to spend an entire episode on Beth?
(Just to hammer in the point, I had to look up the character to even know her name was Beth).
Here’s ‘Beth’ by KISS:

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Carrie Underwood has decided that she suddenly likes gay marriage.

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This strange piece of country ass, has decided to be a reasonable human being for once.
I’ve decided that I’m a fan for the moment.

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13 year old does a New York Times bestseller, cause that’s important…

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So, this kid asks an agent to do his book, and the agent was all like: “Uh… okay… cool!”
And that’s how books are made these days. So, fuck everybody else!

Sara Gilbert’s fiance is kinda gross

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Remember her as the somewhat hot, thug teen from ‘Roseanne?’
Yeah, we all wanted a piece of that at some point.
However, she chose her fiance. And it’s the lead singer from the 80’s abortion that was ‘4 Non Blondes.’
Not only that, but she currently looks like a prison-soaked, Keith Richards doppelganger!

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She probably coulda done better!

The Oscars are so boring, and I don’t plan to see any of these movies in the near future.

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I hate Ellen, and it has nothing to do with her personal life. But she’s a bore, who likes to dance. And nothing about this unnecessary ceremony has anything to do about what makes movies great.

Seriously, see ‘The Lego Movie,’ it’s got nothing to do with the Oscars, but it’s dope as shit!